


Take Me to the Riot

by sachi_sama



Series: Great Music and Chaotic Evenings [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Adventure, Anal Sex, Chaos, Drug Use, M/M, Road Trips, Sexual Content, Weddings, being unable to handle simple tasks, the CARLS
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-19
Updated: 2015-04-14
Packaged: 2018-01-05 03:39:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 28,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1089181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sachi_sama/pseuds/sachi_sama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave's got a movie coming out soon, John's finally on break from school and neck-deep in planning a wedding, Karkat's terrified of airplanes, and Gamzee- well, he's just along for the ride. Sequel to 'The District Sleeps Alone Tonight!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Intro

**Author's Note:**

> "Saturday nights in neon lights, Sunday in the cell. Pills enough to make me feel ill, cash enough to make me well! Take me, take me to the riot!"- "Take Me to the Riot" by Stars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the sequel! Hope you enjoy!

Your name is John Egbert, and one day you're seriously going to remember to put your fucking phone on silent before you go to sleep.

Grumbling to yourself, you manage to reach over and hit the volume button, stopping the chiming noise immediately, but it's too late. You're already awake. Dave mumbles something, but from the way he's practically drooling on your shoulder blades, you can tell he's not awake just yet. He has a serious talent for being able to sleep through anything. For a brief moment, you consider rousing him just to be spiteful, but then think better of it. You're just tired and grumpy.

You unlock your phone and check the newest message.

\--grimAuxillatrix [GA] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 09:07--

GA: I Assume You Are Awake At This Point

GA: Did You Have Any Particular Shade You Would Like To Wear For The Big Day

EB: kanaya.

EB: do you purposely forget about a little thing called time zones? because those are a big thing.

GA: I Did Not Forget Any Such Thing

GA: It Is After Nine There

EB: and i was asleep!

GA: Dave is rubbing off on you, John.

GA: That Was Rose

EB: okay.

GA: She Sends You Salutations

EB: look this is really adorable and all, but i think i might pass back out again. if that's okay with everyone involved.

GA: You Did Not Answer My Question

EB: i don't care what colors we wear!

GA: I Will Ask Again When You Are Equipped With A Better Attitude

EB: thanks a bunch.

\--grimAuxillatrix [GA] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 9:12--

Reminding yourself to shoot both Rose and Kanaya a particularly nasty message about asking you anything before noon, you bury your face in your pillow and try to fall asleep again, but no such luck. You're wide awake on the first morning of your summer break. Lucky you.

Pushing Dave's arm off your waist, and dodging when he tries to grab you again, you make your way to the kitchen to find something to eat, only to find you're not alone in your house.

"Good morning to my motherfuckin' early bird brother. What are you all up and awake for?"

You stare at Gamzee, who's sitting on the stool at your kitchen island like he does it every day, and then shrug when you realize asking questions at this point won't accomplish anything. He watches you make your way to the refrigerator, that stupid grin plastered to his face. Finally, you ask the inevitable question.

"Why are you here?"

"I have an official motherfuckin' message from Karbro on this most miraculous of days," Gamzee walks around you to put on some oven mitts you left on the counter, and you watch interestedly as he removes an entire pan of muffins from the oven.

"And you couldn't message it over Pesterchum?" you ask.

"You get all up and irritated when we message early."

You grin at him, taking the eggs from the fridge, and walk around him to find a pan from the cabinets. "I knew I liked you for a reason, Gamzee. But that doesn't explain how you got in here."

"I made a key."

"Well, that's not illegal or anything."

"You want one of these muffins?"

"I don't like baked goods. Thanks, though. Dave might want one later, so leave one out for him."

"Will do, my brother."

You start frying eggs, and Gamzee eats about four muffins before your curiosity starts to bother you.

"So what's the message from Karkat?"

He blinks up at you, a puzzled expression on his face, and then he smiles stupidly at you.

"I don't motherfuckin' remember."

You roll your eyes, turning back to your breakfast. While you're at it, you go ahead and make some bacon for Dave, since he would seriously live off it if he could. Gamzee continues to stare into space like he's thinking about whatever it is he forgot, and then you decide to go get dressed and leave him to it. You get about three steps into your bedroom before Dave finally rolls over to acknowledge your presence.

"Somethin' smells good…" he mumbles, his face halfway hidden under the pillow.

"I made eggs and bacon. Oh, and Gamzee made muffins."

"Gamzee?"

"Yeah. He has a key to our house."

"Fuck, again?"

_"Again?"_

"Yeah, man. I thought I told you about all those times I'd get home to find him eating his way through our chips while you were at school. I finally changed the locks," Dave says, sitting up. "I wanna know how the hell he got our keys to make a copy."

"It's Gamzee, who knows," you say, pulling on your favorite blue shirt. "Remind me why we're friends with him again."

"Well, he did save our asses that one time. You know, when you were too drunk to function."

"Fuck. You."

Dave smirks, and then walks up to wrap his arms around you, pulling your back to his chest. "Where's my good morning kiss?"

"Up your ass with the massive stick that's been lodged up there since I met you."

"Ouch. Sass, much?"

"Kanaya woke me up and I'm grumpy."

"Was it a question about fashion?"

"It was."

"Mmm," he leans in to kiss you, and it's full of morning breath, but you still press back against him, unable to help yourself. Dave's not wearing his sunglasses, so you look into his crimson orbs when he pulls away, only to see he's regarding you with a fond smile.

"What?" you ask, still unused to him being so emotive around you sometimes.

"Your hair is massive amounts of ridiculous right now, babe."

"I just woke up!" you defend, hands shooting to try and press it down on impulse. Dave's golden strands always seem so manageable. Sometimes you hate him for it. Stupid Striders and their perfect hair.

"'S cool. I think it's kinda sexy. Bedhead, y'know."

"Yeah, yeah," you scowl, but pull him in for another short kiss regardless. "Does Mr. Big Hollywood Director have any plans today?"

"I was thinking we could just stay in. After kicking Gamzee out."

"That's not very nice. He saved you a muffin."

"Oh, sweet. Okay, after I eat my muffin we'll kick him out."

"Sounds like a plan."

Breakfast turns out to be surprisingly enjoyable. Gamzee regales you both with a story about the first time he got high with Karkat. Apparently Karkat had an entire theory on how mankind didn't actually exist, and you were all part of a computer simulation. Then he got sick because he drank too much before smoking, and ended up becoming best friends with the toilet.

"You know he'll fucking kill you if he finds out you told us this," Dave says, finishing his fourth piece of bacon.

"He ain't motherfuckin' here."

"You keep making copies of our keys and I'm telling him you told us," you mumble. Gamzee grins at you.

"So the big day is only a week away, huh?"

"Is it really so big?" Dave asks, reaching for more bacon before you slap his hand away. He frowns at you. "I mean, it's not like we aren't already pretty much married by this point."

"I'm with him," you say, slapping his hand from the bacon again. "I'm all for having everybody visit again, and I'm looking forward to everything, but it's gonna be a serious cluster fuck. Plus the media will be all over this and everything…"

Dave's movie, _Sweet Bro & Hella Jeff The Movovie_, is finally finished filming. They wrapped up about two weeks ago, and his editing team is finishing the rest of it. The press has been a nightmare from the start. Since his comics were so popular, word naturally got around. They camped outside your house more than a few times since the beginning of the fiasco. Then, when it came out that Dave was actually in a long term relationship with a man, things got even worse. You'd had the pleasure of being referred to as _'Strider's Twink'_ by the tabloids. You'd never seen Dave so furious. He'd called his agent, Terezi, and all but screamed that he wanted every last one of the assholes killed. You tried to assure him it didn't bother you much, but you knew neither of you really believed that.

You knew what you were getting into when you agreed to go with him to California. You knew what you were getting into when you agreed to marry him. You understand that people like to get involved in the personal lives of celebrities for some reason, and you don't really give a shit that they posted things about your relationship with Dave everywhere. What upset you was the way you were portrayed in the articles. You weren't some pale skinned skinny eyesore who _somehow_ managed to get Dave to shack up with you. Dave's told you more than enough times how much he loves you just for being your natural nerdy self, and you don't need constant reminders of that, but-

It still hurts sometimes to be told Dave's too good for you, even if you know it's not true.

"We don't have to do it, man," Dave says for the thousandth time, breaking you from your reverie. "We can just put it off till the hype about the movie is over-"

" _No._ I said I was nervous, not that I wanted to cancel it," you argue. "We'll just have to hire great security or something." You think back to the muscly guy Roxy had working for her that night at her club, and you wish you knew people that big who could punch a few paparazzi clowns in the face for you.

"Sounds like a motherfuckin' big deal if I ever heard one," Gamzee says.

You make your way to get more coffee, thinking of how you should find a way to invite Roxy and Jane to the wedding, when Gamzee slaps the table, startling you into tossing your mug in the air before it crashes at your feet.

"Shit! Gamzee, what the hell, man!" Dave says, looking like he jumped from the bar stool at the sound.

"I all up and remembered what it was I had to be telling y'all!" Gamzee says with a triumphant grin. "Karbro said he won't be able to make the wedding. He's got an emergency back in Washington."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [expand your playlist! :B](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sxeIivNDtFU)


	2. Two Weeks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Save up all the days, a routine malaise. Just like yesterday, I told you I would stay. Would you always, maybe sometimes , make it easy? Take your time."-"Two Weeks" by Grizzly Bear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for feedback! You guys are cooler than ice, yo. Here, have a Dave chapter.

You're Dave Strider, and today is starting to look more and more like absolute shit.

Yeah, okay, you get why this is important and all. Karkat is pretty much John's best friend, and ever since the word 'emergency' came out of that juggalo asshole's mouth, John has been fidgeting and anxious to hear just what exactly that emergency was. If either of you had opted to have the position of best man filled at your wedding, you can't help but think Karkat would be John's. He had told you he would never think of having a best man, because he wouldn't be able to choose between Jake and Karkat.

"Besides, Dave," he had said with a huge smile, "you'd be my best man, and since I'm marrying you, it'd be unfair."

You hadn't been able to argue with that logic, despite the fact that if you had a best man, even if you _didn't_ give the title to Dirk, he'd come attack you with a shitty sword and promote _himself_ to best man. He's a complete douchesprit that way.

All that aside, you are perfectly aware that you and John needed to get to the bottom of this potential fiasco, because even if the little shouty asshole is a pain in your side that you like to bother incessantly, Karkat is one of your best friends, too. Still, spending the first day of John's summer break stuck in the car with Gamzee lounging in the backseat like it's a recliner from a five-star fucking hotel was not how you pictured this day going. You didn't want to leave the bed, much less the house. But Gamzee insisted he couldn't actually tell the two of you the emergency, because Karkat had threatened his shins.

"He ain't motherfuckin' able to reach much else," Gamzee had said. "Those little feet hurt like tit-bitch _shit_."

So that's how you ended up driving through traffic that seemingly came out of nowhere, just to go across the city and ask Karkat a question he won't answer. John had already tried to pester him, but there was no response. You don't think you're _grumpy_ exactly, but you're certainly in a mood. As far as you're concerned, no one should have any reason to blame you.

Between being on set for your movie, tweaking the comics into a script worth its weight in shit, having impromptu lunches with Wilson, Stiller, and their agents, being dragged around Hollywood by your agent who's more like a shark than a blind woman, watching the obvious hate/love fest between said agent and the other Serket chick, and managing your ironic empire complete with music and the business half, you've pretty much been busy every waking hour. Then, John had his school, which literally buried him in work from the moment he set foot on campus. Your poor little nerd was working himself into a coma. You actually came home once to find him in the bathtub, fully clothed, with textbooks around him. He said he didn't even remember getting in the tub, and you chose not to mention the fact that he got in a full bathtub with clothes on without knowing.

Needless to say, you hadn't seen much of John since he was on Christmas break, and you intended to fix that by seeing much, much more of him. This little detour is already on your nerves and you haven't even reached your destination yet.

"Are you fucking sure you can't just call the asshole up? I can get him to talk in less than a millisecond if he'd just pick up the phone," you say, anxious to get back home.

"No way, my righteously in a hurry to get his motherfuckin' mack on brother. Ain't no way he's answering," Gamzee says.

"Is someone like, in danger? Is that the emergency?" John asks, looking back at the lanky cockblock taking up your entire backseat.

"Ain't no danger to be in."

"I am literally almost done with this already," you say, and John swats your thigh.

Once you park the car in the driveway of the complex, John hops out and roams around the car to wait for you to get out. Gamzee crawls out of the backseat in a way that somehow resembles a sloth and a spider simultaneously.

"Seriously, dude," you say to Gamzee as he slinks beside you. "What's this goddamn emergency. Because if it's not a life or death matter, my shit will flip. It will literally flip off the goddamn handle, and y'all are gonna have to watch it 'cause you'll be so fucking mesmerized you won't be able to look away."

"Ask Karbro, my metaphorical bro. It ain't my place to be telling all that much, you feel? It's like, if you told me to tell Karbro something, but not some other thing, I'd all up and keep your secret. Because friendship is just…this perfect motherfuckin' miracle, you know? It ain't worth a pile of shit if we ain't loyal to each other."

"Oh, I forgot. It's past 8am, you're already higher that Mel Gibson on the fucked up one to Charlie Sheen scale."

The apartment complex is ridiculously big, and Karkat lives toward the top. He and Sollux moved into this place about four months ago once they finally decided to get "serious", and Gamzee got another place about three blocks down with Tavros. You still don't know if he and Tavros are a thing or what, because as far as you're concerned, they'd be the weirdest couple you know. Dirk and Jake currently have that title, because your brother has a horse/sex puppet fetish, and English has an odd obsession with guns and blue people or some shit.

Once you're off the elevator, John flies to Karkat's door and starts knocking. By the time you and Gamzee join him, you can hear shouting.

"Go the fuck away!" Karkat yells. "It's too goddamn early!"

"It's us!" John says, knocking again. "Let us in!"

"Oh, no fucking way. I'm not in the mood for you and Skeleton Jack today. Do me a favor and find someone else to suck the life from."

John casts you a pitiful glance, and you nudge Gamzee in the shoulder.

"Do you have a key to Karkitty's place?" you ask.

"Sure motherfuckin' do."

Gamzee's key ring reminds you of a janitor's. He searches through them, and you wonder which one is the key to your place. Even if you change the locks again, you don't think it will help. You can't even recall the lanky bastard ever having your keys long enough to make a copy. John is eyeing it warily, too.

When he gets the door open, you file inside to find Karkat on the couch with a pillow over his head.

"I said to go the fuck away," he says, his voice muffled. John takes the liberty of sitting beside him, and hits the top of the pillow.

"So what's the emergency?" he asks.

"None of your business, crotch breath."

"Did Sollux dump your ass?" you ask, and he lifts the pillow slightly to glare at you.

"No. He's in his computer room. Don't you guys have anything better to do than harass me first thing in the goddamn morning?"

"Well, it's kind of a big deal that you won't come to our wedding," John says.

"I said might not be able to, not that I wasn't indefinitely. God, Gamzee, do you listen when I talk or does it literally scramble your brain even more to focus for three fucking minutes?"

"I all up and said exactly what you said!"

"Karkaaaaaat," John says, hitting the pillow repeatedly. "What's going on?"

"Look, I have to go to Washington for a few days, and since I'm not flying-"

"Wait, if you're going all the way back there, why the fuck aren't you flying?" you ask. "I mean, that's like a day long drive."

"Airplanes are terrifying, okay! They're giant fucking metal deathtraps, hovering thousands of feet on the air, just waiting to make a nosedive toward the ground, and I am not setting foot in one!" Karkat's eyes are huge as he finally sits up, and you don't think you've seen him so scared since the night the four of you were harassed by the thugs on the way back to Roxy's club. John puts a hand on his shoulder, and they share a brief glance. Karkat visibly deflates.

"So you're driving almost twenty hours? Dude, that's insane. It'd be like a two hour flight, just take some Valium or something," you say, ignoring the glares from both of them. You had made that same drive just a little over a year ago, but that was because you and John were moving all your things to California to stay. If you were going to visit, you'd fly. It just makes more sense to you. Then again, by this point, you're pretty much used to airplanes.

"It's not that fucking easy, alright?" Karkat snarls at you. "I just- I can't. Planes are something I can't do. It's not like I'm not already berating myself about it; I don't need any grief from you!"

"Hey, so you're scared of something. Congratulations, you're human. All I'm saying is-"

"Karkat," John interrupts, and you take that as your cue to shut up. "C'mon, what's up? Why do you have to drive there anyway?"

Karkat rolls his eyes and flops back into the cushions. "My dad died," he says.

"Oh, man, I'm so sorry," John says, casting you another glance. You jump when something wraps around your shoulder, but relax when you realize it's just Gamzee's floppy arm.

"It's all up and motherfuckin' tragic," he says. "Some of that sunrise, sunset shit. Ashes to motherfuckin' ashe-"

"Gamzee, shut the fuck up you oozing sack of anal leakage."

"Sure thing, best friend."

You shrug his arm off your shoulder and venture toward the hallway, not knowing exactly what you're supposed to do. You can't relate to any of this. Your dad was never in the picture, and your mom died when you were so young, you don't remember it. You've never been good as the shoulder to cry on, and you're pretty bad at empathy. John will be better at that than you.

When you hear the sound of clacking, you stop. The door to the computer room is cracked open, and you take the liberty of letting yourself in. Sollux is at the computer, diligently typing away. He's surrounded by empty cans of Monster, and the room reeks of weed.

"Hey, asshole," he says to you, barely turning his head. "I thought I heard you in here."

"You thought right," you say, roaming around to see what he's working on. The screen is a weird arrangement of numbers and codes. "What the fuck am I looking at?"

"I'm hacking," he says with a grin. "Why are you here?"

"Oh, Karkat told us he's driving twenty hours to Washington. I figured, you know, I'm not used to being the voice of reason, so I left before things got even more backwards. Like, next thing we know, Gamzee will start doing long freehand equations with Sharpie all over the walls. I'm Rod Sterling, and this is The Twilight Zone."

"Jesus, you talk too much," Sollux sighs. "And yeah, for the record, I told him to fly, too. If he flew, I'd go with him. But I've got too much shit to do for a four or five day trip."

"Can't you just take a break or something?" you ask. "I mean, I'm your boss, too. I'll give you time off."

"I work for tons of different people," Sollux says. "I've got two new websites to set up this week, and if I don't, I won't be able to make my car payment."

"Dude, Karkat's fucking loaded," you inform him. "Can't you just get him to-"

"No. Our money is separate. I don't want him thinking this was ever about money. Besides, I offered to drop everything and go with him already, and he freaked out and told me not to. I don't really get what the big deal is anyway."

"Didn't his dad die?"

"Yeah, but it's not like they were close. As far as I know, they haven't even talked in years. KK told me he hated his old man."

"Damn. Well, it's cool of him to bury the hatchet and go to his funeral, I guess."

"Funeral?" Sollux asks. "His dad's been dead for like a week, dude."

Okay, what the actual fuck? You're determined to get to the bottom of this now, but Sollux seems unwilling to elaborate, and is already typing away again, the screen becoming even more confusing to you. Deciding to rejoin the others and leave him to it, you go to the door.

"Oh, by the way," Sollux says to you as you reopen the door, "I want to make a speech at your ridiculous wedding."

"I dunno, man, I don't think I trust you enough for that shit."

"I think I'll tell the story of that time in high school where you wore a dress to school."

"Bro won a strife, and we had a bet placed. Shit wasn't my fault," you shrug. "Besides, I looked fabulous."

"True."

When you reenter the living room, you find John standing beside the coffee table, looking toward you.

"Ready to go?" he asks.

"Um, yeah. Everything cool?" you ask, looking around. You're the only two in the room.

"Karkat's going to smoke a joint with Gamzee on the balcony. So I guess we're cool to go," he says, leading you out. "Were you talking to Sollux?"

"Yeah, he's doing computer geek shit. Dude, did he tell you his dad's been dead for a week? Like, what the fuck?"

"It's complicated, I'll tell you later," John says absently. "I want to think about other things, anyway. Death isn't how I wanted to start my vacation!"

"How'd you wanna start it then?"

He grins mischievously and hooks his fingers in your belt loops. "I was thinking we'd stay in bed."

"Oh, man. We can make that happen. We can so literally go home right now and make that a thing."

To say you rush home would be an understatement. There probably aren't any traffic violations left for you to break. John's already handsy on the porch, pressing himself against you while you fumble for the lock. As soon as the door opens, you turn and grab him, pulling his mouth to yours and groaning at the feeling of finally, _finally_ having him close.

"Dave," he says in a breathless voice as your hands re-familiarize themselves with his premium ass, and you groan when he rocks forward, his groin rubbing against yours just so.

"Shit, babe," you hiss, tugging him more insistently towards your room. Kicking the door closed behind you, you press him firmly into the bed, fully intending to make the rest of the afternoon memorable, but your body won't let you take things too slow.

The chants of your name and skin against skin fill the whole room, both your heavy breaths echoing off the walls. You're inside him, and he's stretched around you, letting you in over and over again. And fuck- it's so good, you can't stop yourself from setting a rough pace, slamming in repeatedly. Once you find that special spot, you aim for it every time, enjoying the view as John literally comes undone under you, screaming when he arches in climax. It doesn't take long before you're joining him. He laughs breathlessly when you collapse on top of him.

"God," he says, roaming his fingers through your sweaty hair. You hum in agreement, lazily kissing his neck.

"I think I wanna just stay in bed for the rest of the day," you say, acknowledging the fact that it's only about three in the afternoon.

"I don't know, I'm getting pretty hungry now," John says. "I think we burned away our breakfast."

"Mmm. I vote we order take-out."

"I second that vote."

"Cool, so it's decided. Motion fucking passed. Don't we have a menu somewhere?"

"Yeah, it's in that cabinet above the microwave. You know, the one full of take-out menus we've collected over the years?" John grins.

"Chinese sound good to you?"

"I could go for some lo mein, yeah."

"Sweet. Now, are you gonna go get the menu, or am I gonna have to push your sweet ass out of bed?"

"Oh my god, you lazy prick. I'll go get it, but you're ordering! I can't understand a word they say when I call."

You watch as he gets up, picks up his boxers, and heads to the bathroom. You're content to just lie there peacefully in your afterglow.

But then your fucking phone starts chiming.

Rolling over to find your pants, you pull your phone from your pocket and check the newest pester. Unfortunately for you, it's your agent.

\--gallowsCalibrator [GC] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 15:19--

GC: H3Y COOL K1D

GC: 4R3 YOU R34DY FOR TH1S 4M4Z1NG N3WS 1 H4V3 FOR YOU

TG: i shouldve fucking known id hear from you today

TG: every time you promise me a break you lie to me like a goddamn dog

TG: this news better be spectacular because i was in the middle of something important

GC: OH WH4T3V3R DR4M4 QU33N!

GC: YOUR3 NOT DO1NG 4NYTH1NG TOO 1MPORT4NT

TG: this is life or death importance that i am doing here

TG: as in getting my mack on

TG: as in round two

TG: so what the fuck do you want

John emerges from the bathroom and tosses you a towel so you can clean up, and you lazily wipe your stomach clean with one hand while continuing your conversation in the other.

GC: TH3 D4T3 FOR YOUR MOV13 H4S

GC: B33N

GC: S3T >:]

TG: that is seriously the ugliest emoticon ive ever seen in my life

TG: do you even know what it looks like since youre blind

TG: i know your little app is like voice activated or whatever but can you actually tell it to put those ugly emoticons in or does it just do it naturally

TG: like if youre sitting there talking to someone are you just like "insert the fucking frog faced looking bracket thing"

GC: >:[

TG: thats not an answer

GC: SHUT TH3 H3LL UP!

TG: someones defensive of their frog faces

TG: wait do you even know what frogs look like

GC: Y3S DUMB4SS

GC: GOD YOUR3 4NNOY1NG

TG: nah

TG: so theyre finally finished editing huh

GC: Y3S!

GC: W3R3 LOOK1NG 4T 4BOUT 4 MONTH B3FOR3 1T DROPS

GC: YOUR 1RONS 4R3 1N TH3 F1R3 COOLK1D

TG: sweet

TG: any word from spiderbitch about the three movie deal

GC: NO TH3YR3 W41T1NG TO S33 HOW TH1S ON3 DO3S W1TH TH3 PUBL1C

TG: understandably safe

TG: so basically if its a hit we have a deal

GC: Y3S

GC: SO 1TS B4S1C4LLY 4LR34DY S3T 1N STON3

There's a crash in the kitchen, followed by a shout. Cursing, you toss your phone in the sheets and run to see what the noise was, remembering to tug your boxers on clumsily as you go. 

"John, what the fuck?" you call out, hopping to get your other leg in the hole. You find him in the floor, buried under a pile of multicolored smuppets. 

"T-They just fell out of the cabinet!" John squeaks, his hand emerging for you to grab. "It was like an avalanche!" 

"Yeah, welcome to my life, bro. You were literally just balls deep in puppet dong. It's traumatizing, isn't it?" 

"How the fuck did they get in there?!" 

"Blood feud," you remind him briefly before the fucking devil himself walks into your kitchen. 

"'Sup, little man," Dirk says calmly, his hands in his pockets. 

"Why the fuck are you here?" 

"The wedding's in a few days, we figured we'd come early and make sure you kids are behaving. But you were kind of preoccupied, so I took the liberty of restocking your cabinet." 

John kicks one of the smuppets, and it makes a high pitched squeaking noise before a cloud of sparkles comes out of it. Well. That's a new feature. 

"John!" An annoyingly chipper voice says. You see Jake roam around Dirk to pull John into a hug. "Apologies, mate, you weren't the target for the smuppet waterfall!" 

"Casualties are common in war," Dirk shrugs. 

"Y'know, I'm really fucking glad you two just invade the place whenever you feel like it. It's not like it's illegal to break into people's houses or something. I'm so glad we don't have personal barriers in this family," you grumble. 

"You lived with me for years. I'm allowed." 

"That's not even how that works!" 

"I think it's justified." Dirk walks around to open your fridge. "You need to stock up on orange soda." 

"Oh, hell no, I am not getting groceries for your fat ass." 

"Least I have an ass." 

"I have one, too!" 

"Oh? Where? Could've fooled me, did you leave it somewhere?" 

"We thought we'd go out for dinner!" Jake says cheerfully before you can retort. "The trip was a rather long one, so it might be a tad bit early for dinner, but I'm positively starved!" 

"We were about to order out anyway," John says with a grin. "Did you want anything in particular?" 

"Where were you ordering from?" 

"Chinese place." 

"Ah! I could go for some Chinese! Would that be good, Dirk?" 

"Whatever you want, pumpkin," Dirk says casually, kicking a smuppet at you. Groaning, you make your way back to your room to get dressed, knowing you won't find a way out of this. As you tug your pants on, you remember the conversation you were having with Terezi, and you open your phone to find missed messages. 

GC: 4R3 YOU TRY1NG TO 4CT COOL BY NOT B31NG 3XC1T3D 

GC: D4V3! 

GC: TH1S 1S K1ND OF 4 B1G D34L! 1 3XP3CT3D 3XC1T3M3NT! 

GC: >:????? 

GC: F1N3 YOU FLOOZY F1N1SH G3TT1NG YOUR "M4CK ON" 1LL P3ST3R YOU L4T3R

gallowsCalibrator  [GC] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 3:50--

\-- 

The Chinese place is packed, as usual. It's one of the many reasons you prefer ordering out. John is beside you, and you're sitting uncomfortably close to Dirk. You swear his favorite pastime is bothering you. He goes out of his fucking way to make you mad. 

Suddenly, you feel like karma is paying you back for what you do to Karkat. 

"So! The big day is right around the figurative corner!" Jake says, leaning on his elbows towards John. "I suppose the two of you are excited?" 

"Nervous, kind of," John says with a sheepish grin. "It's just a lot to do." 

"Ah, yes that's the downside of having a larger wedding," Jake says understandably. "We did ours in a little chapel in Canada." 

"There was a moose outside the building," Dirk says. 

"Yes! The moose! It was a truly majestic creature! Frightening, though! There were warnings posted all over about them! Those antlers were a sight." 

You look at the expression on Dirk's face as Jake rambles on and on about the moose. He looks so fucking happy it almost makes you forget he's an asshole. 

"Oh, apologies," Jake says when he takes a breath. "I didn't mean to get carried away like that. Is there any new business aside from the wedding?" 

The waitress comes back with your drinks at this point, and you sip your Coke before you answer. "My movie's finally done," you say casually. John bounces in place beside you. 

"Really?! They're done editing? When did this happen?" 

"Terezi messaged me a little while ago. It's due to release in about a month." 

"Absolutely splendid, Dave!" Jake says excitedly as John wraps you in a bone-crushing hug. "I hope to be one of the first to see it!" 

"Yeah, y'all are both on the list." 

"Nice going, lil' bro," Dirk says. "I take it that means things will slow down for a bit?" 

"For a bit, yeah. I might be getting a three movie deal if this one is popular." 

"I can't wait!" John says happily. "I've waited forever to see it!" 

"Very thrilling, indeed! And what about you, John? How did your finals go?" Jake asks. 

"Brutal. I'm glad they're over, but next semester will be even worse." 

"Hopefully not, you were already a zombie this time." 

"Lies and slander!" 

The conversation continues this way for a bit, and then the food arrives. You dig in immediately, devouring your General Tso's like you haven't eaten in years. Oh, yeah. This stuff is the shit. 

"Has anything been going on with you guys?" John asks, mouth full of lo mein noodles. 

"Not lately, no," Jake says. "We've become hermits these past few weeks, I'm afraid." 

"Hermits?" 

"Dirk recently acquired every episode of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. It's addicting!" 

"Oh my fucking god," you groan. 

"Three words, Bro," Dirk says. "Rainbow fuckin' Dash." 

"If only Mom could see us now," you say. "She'd be so proud." 

"Word." 

"Ugh, parents," John says. "Makes me think of this morning." 

"Did something happen with your father, John?" Jake asks, sweet and sour sauce on his chin. You watch Dirk reach over and wipe it away with a napkin. 

"Not with my dad, no. Karkat's dad died a few days ago." 

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear it. How is the poor fellow taking it?" 

"They weren't close or anything. He wasn't going to go home at all, actually. The funeral was three days ago, but his brother called and said he needed to be there to get his share of the will. It's kind of a messed up situation, but you know how it is with stuff like that," John finishes. 

"Ah, I don't, actually. My parents were never in the picture," Jake says. 

"They weren't? I never knew that!" 

"Oh, yes. My mother and father both decided they couldn't bother with me, I'm afraid. They're still alive as far as I know, but I've never even seen them. My grandmother raised me." 

"I'm sorry," John says. 

"Not at all! I'm not upset about it in the least! I don't pretend to understand their decision in the least bit, and I was awfully sad about it for a long time when I was growing up, but these things happen, and we deal with the cards we are dealt. I don't wish any ill will on either of them, and I hope they're happy with their decision. It can't be helped, you know? Besides, my grandmother is the greatest woman in the world. I wouldn't trade her for either of them." 

Dirk tenderly presses the napkin to his face again, and Jake laughs as his mouth is covered. 

"Is that your way of telling me to shut up, Mr. Strider?" he asks your brother. 

"Nope. I like hearing you talk, so have at it, bro. Let some of those premium corny phrases out." 

"I can't believe he's driving twenty hours for someone he isn't even close to," you say, trying to ignore the eye fucking across from you. 

"That sort of thing is complicated," John says. "Even when you're on your own and far away from them, you can still find yourself trying to make them happy." 

\-- 

When you get back home, Jake declares a movie night, which John immediately agrees to. You're left helpless to whichever piece of cinematic shit they decide to choose, but you're not really too bent out of shape about it. They're wearing matching dorky grins the entire time they're going through the movie cabinet, and you catch Dirk staring with a small smile on his face, same as you. 

Journeying to the kitchen to help John make popcorn, you wrap your arms around his waist from behind and pull his back to your chest. 

"They're interrupting our sexy time," you say. 

"Calling it 'sexy time' kinda makes it lose the sexiness, Dave." 

"Nah." 

"So listen. I'm kinda worried about Karkat," John says. 

"I'm sure he'll be fine. Gamzee will go with him since Sollux can't. They can bond some more." 

"Yeah, I guess…" John agrees. 

"Besides, we have more pressing matters here. Like the two assholes trying to claim our place as theirs." 

"Oh, c'mon! I like having them here! Jake's one of my best friends, and your brother is super cool!" 

"Cool, yeah. But he's still an asshole." 

"I think it'll be fun. Just try to stop being so paranoid that he's out to get you or something," John grins. "Oh, hey, can you hand me the big bowl from the cabinet above your head?" 

"Yeah, yeah." You reach up to open the cabinet, and are immediately buried by the mountain of smuppets hidden inside, Dirk's chuckling audible over your curses. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [3XP4ND YOUR PL4YL1ST](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjecYugTbIQ)


	3. Ask

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "So if there's something you'd like to try, something you'd like to try, ask me, I won't say no, how could I?"- "Ask" by The Smiths.

You're John Egbert, and you're on a couch full of passed out men.

Jake is on Dirk's shoulder, slumped against him enough to press Dirk into the arm of the couch. Dave's sprawled out, his legs on both Jake and Dirk's laps, his head on your thigh. You're tired, but you can't sleep yet, because you're pestering Karkat about his upcoming trip, and it's leaving a bad feeling in your stomach.

EB: what time are you aiming to leave?

CG: SOMETIME IN THE MORNING PREFERABLY. NOON MOST LIKELY BECAUSE GAMZEE WAS A FUCKING SLOTH IN A PAST LIFE.

EB: he is very sloth like!

CG: YOU HAVE NO GODDAMN CLUE. IT'S ONLY GETTING WORSE AS HE GETS OLDER. I DON'T THINK HE HAS ANY OTHER SPEEDS THAN SLOW AND STOP.

EB: hehehehe, that's very likely! i'm glad he's going with you, though.

CG: AND WHY THE EVERLOVING FUCK ARE YOU HAPPY ABOUT THE AMOUNT OF BAGGAGE I'M STUCK WITH?

EB: because it's dangerous to go alone! :B

CG: DID YOU JUST ZELDA REFERENCE THIS CRAPTASTIC SITUATION.

EB: maybe.

CG: JESUS BABYMUNCHING CHRIST.

EB: really, though. i'm glad you're not going alone. this all must be really difficult to go through!

CG: I DON'T GIVE A SINGLE COCKSWALLOWING FUCK ABOUT HIM OR THE MERCIFUL FACT THAT HE'S DEAD. I'M ONLY CONCENED WITH THE INCONVINIENCE OF HAVING TO MAKE THIS UNNECESSARY TRIP WHEN THERE ARE SO MANY MORE PRODUCTIVE THINGS I COULD BE DOING WITH MY TIME.

CG: LIKE RIPPING MY FACE OFF AND SALSA DANCING AROUND IT.

EB: karkat.

CG: WHAT?

EB: it's okay to be sad about it.

CG: I KNOW THAT.

EB: i don't think you do!

CG: WHATEVER. IF YOU'RE REFERRING TO THE FACT THAT I'M TOTALLY ALREADY OVER THIS SHIT IT'S JUST BECAUSE I DON'T CARE ENOUGH TO BE SAD. THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO SAY ON THE MATTER.

EB: if you say so…

EB: i really hope you'll be back in time for the wedding!

CG: ME TOO ACTUALLY.

EB: whoa! you really wanna be there?

CG: IT'LL BE A FRONT ROW SEAT TO YOU TWO ASSHOLES RUINING EACH OTHER'S LIVES.

EB: bluh!

CG: ANYWAY I HAVE TO FINISH PACKING AND THINK OF THE THOUSAND REASONS I HATE MY LIFE AND WANT TO DRIVE THE CAR OFF A CLIFF FIRST THING TOMORROW.

EB: pester me tomorrow before you leave!

CG: WHY?

EB: because i wanna hear from you! god!

CG: ASDFGHJKL

CG: FINE.

CG: FUCK YOU THOUGH. SERIOUSLY.

EB: bye, karkat!

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 23:12--

You look at the conversation over and over again, finding new flaws each time you reread. You don't know exactly how you know, but Karkat is acting strange about this entire thing. Maybe it's the fact that he's trying so hard to convince you he's okay. Usually if he doesn't care about something, he stops talking about it. And if it wasn't a big deal, why wouldn't he tell you about it as soon as it happened? You chew the inside of your cheek and try to think of anything else besides how worried you are.

"What could be the reason for such a face at this hour?" Jake's voice asks suddenly, making you jump. He's blinking wearily at you, sitting up straighter against Dirk.

"I was just talking to Karkat. Did I wake you up?"

"Oh, no. I've been in and out since we sat down, and I happened to glance over and see you looking at your phone like the world was ending," Jake grins at you. "Karkat is unwell?"

"He's not letting himself mourn about this whole thing. He keeps saying he doesn't care, but I've known him too long to fall for that. Do you think I'm just worrying over nothing?" you ask quietly.

"Hmm. If he's your friend, it's only natural to worry a little! Especially if you sense something is awry. May I ask if that's all that's troubling you, John?"

"Huh? Yeah, why?"

Jake shrugs, and then tries to stand up, but can't seem to get the leverage.

"I believe these Striders have me held captive!" he says, trying to wiggle his way out from under Dirk's arm and Dave's legs. He gets free from Dirk, but Dave seems unwilling to move. Jake is caught against the cushions at an awkward angle, and he casts you a sheepish look that you can't help but laugh at.

"Here," you say, reaching down to Dave's sides. Your fingers dance along his ribcage, and he snorts in his sleep, trying to swat your hands blindly away. In a last ditch effort to get away from you, he curls into himself, his legs no longer blocking Jake from sliding to the floor.

"Thank you! My arm was going numb from that awkward angle. Here I thought getting away from one Strider was difficult."

"Dirk's a clingy sleeper?" you ask with an amused smile. Jake's expression matches yours.

"Heaven's yes. Once he's out he becomes a koala."

"Who would've guess Striders were so cuddly?"

"It is certainly a trait they share. I can't blame him for being exhausted, though. We had a long day, and he's not exactly a fan of the _Indiana Jones_ movie we chose."

You manage to stand up despite Dave's whine, and side step when he tries to grab you. He makes a vexed expression in his sleep, but doesn't wake up. Jake's laughing under his breath, motioning for you to follow him as he heads for the kitchen.

He gets a bottle of water from the fridge, offering you one, which you decline. He leans against the counter and takes a deep gulp, a look on his face you can't help but smirk at. One reason you like talking to Jake so much is because he treats everything like an adventure. Even the bottle of water is his enemy, the next big thing to conquer. You wonder if that's part of what Dirk likes about him.

"So," Jake says, "this Karkat business."

"Ugh, this 'business' is gonna give me an ulcer," you say, sighing as you lean on your elbows, looking at Jake from across the island. He frowns at you.

"He's behaving strangely about the ordeal?"

"Not in the most obvious way, but it's strange for him."

"He's a really good friend of yours, hmm?"

You smile, "Yeah. When I moved out of my dad's place for school, I didn't have a plan or anything. I had a little studio apartment, which is where I lived when I met Dave in person, but it was a big adjustment! It had been just my dad and me for so long; it was scary to be away from everything. So I went exploring around the city, looking for job opportunities, or really just a way to kill time, and I met Karkat. Hehe, man, he was an asshole to me."

"An asshole?" Jake laughs. "What a charmer!"

"No, it was nice! I mean, he treated me like an old friend he was feuding with. We actually got into a debate over who would win in a fight, Spiderman, or Batman."

"Spiderman, naturally."

"That's what I said! But after we argued for a long time, he asked me if I was working anywhere, and I said no. Then he told me to be back the next day or he'd kick my ass, and we've been friends ever since! He really looked out for me when I needed it."

"I see. That _is_ true friendship. I can see why you're so concerned for him, now."

"Yeah, and Gamzee is going, but he's not exactly, uh. Emotional support," you say.

"Gamzee is the lanky fellow who curses a lot?" Jake asks.

"Yeah. I mean, they both curse a lot, but that's Gamzee."

"…He concerns me," Jake says, and you laugh at his expression, shaking your head.

"No, he's cool. They've been friends practically forever, and it was nice having his mellow drugged up face around to mix with Karkat's constant hostility and everything. They've always sort of balanced each other out." You sigh, leaning forward a little. "I don't know what I'm worried about. I guess I'm just a worrywart, like Dave says."

Jake finishes his water and tosses the empty bottle in the trash before turning back to you and giving your shoulder a squeeze.

"He helped you feel welcome when you needed it, and now he's in need as well," he says. "I believe it's only natural to be a tad bit concerned! I would say just to be there for him and hope for the best!"

You want to say it's not that easy to be there for someone who's leaving in a few hours, but you don't. You just lean against Jake and try to think of other things, but it's really not just Karkat you're worried about. You're worried about everything at the moment, and somehow it's just easier to focus on someone else's problems, so you go back to worrying about Karkat.

When you go back into the living room, Jake reaches forward and stops you from walking any further, and when you look up to him questioningly, he points to the couch with a wide smile. Dirk is on his back, leaning against the arm of the couch, one leg hanging off, and Dave is curled up with his other leg, both feet hanging off the opposite end. You think you can see a spot of drool forming on Dirk's knee from Dave's snoring mouth, and you have to stop yourself from laughing.

"Can't let this one go to waste," Jake whispers, pulling his phone out to snap a few pictures. You don't hesitate to do the same. These will be great to use against Dave when you want something. Like when you want to watch a Nic Cage movie, for example. Oh, yes, the king of blackmail. It's you.

"I suppose I should wake him up. He'll get a crick in his neck from sleeping like that," Jake says after he locks his phone and places it back in his pocket. He walks over to Dirk and crouches beside the couch, running his fingers through the spiky mane of blond hair. "I do believe it's time to wake up, Mr. Strider!"

"No fuckin' way, just get your adventure happy ass back in bed," Dirk mumbles, leaning into Jake's hand.

"Well that's going to be an issue, seeing as how you're on a couch, and there's no room for me, since you're cuddling with Dave."

"Huh?" Dirk shifts and looks down, frowning at the sight. "He drooled on me," he says with a deadpan face that you snicker at.

"Afraid so, love," Jake says happily, standing up and offering Dirk a hand. "Shall we journey to the guest bedroom then? I certainly could do with some cuddling of my own."

Dirk takes his hand, and manages to yank his leg away from Dave, who grumbles and rolls over. The two of them begin walking to the hallway, and you're wondering how you should go about waking Dave up to go to bed, but then Dirk reaches out to tip the couch from behind, causing Dave to spill into the floor unceremoniously.

"What the fuck!" Dave yelps, sitting up and looking around wildly.

"That's for slobbering on my leg, you little shit," Dirk says, allowing himself to be pulled down the hall. By the time Dave stands up, they're already in the guest bedroom with the door closed. He turns to you.

"Is that a fucking smile on your face I see, you traitor?" he grumbles.

"No, of course not."

"Whatever, Benedict Egbert. You should be hung for your crimes against humanity, such as leaving me alone with Dirk the jerk to begin with. Consider this bromance officially on hold until I can think of a way for you to repent."

"I was talking to Jake! I didn't know you had such a fetish for snuggling your brother's anatomy!"

Dave scowls at you, reaching on the coffee table to grab his shades and plant them firmly on his face before he slinks into the hallway in a very catlike manner. You follow, smile still on your face at his irritation. He face plants into the bed, not even bothering with his clothes, and you shake your head as you walk over to swat him on the ass.

"Roll over, douchelord," you say, and he groans.

"I'm literally tired of moving," he mumbles.

Ignoring him, you turn him over and begin unbuttoning his pants. He watches you, his shades sliding down his nose as he peers over them, and you manage to tug his jeans all the way off before reaching up to remove his sunglasses as well. After shucking your pants somewhere in the room, you sit beside him, fumbling with your phone charger.

"C'mere, babe," Dave says suddenly, wrapping around you from behind and tugging you firmly against him. You grumble, shifting to get comfortable as he makes sure to make it as difficult as he possibly can for you. "Can we sleep all day tomorrow?" he asks as he kisses your neck.

"Depends. I might have somewhere to be," you say, leaning back against him. He sighs, his hands roaming along your sides and under your shirt.

"I don't think you should have anywhere to be. What the hell is there to do?"

"Well, we have company," you say.

"Oh, fuck those two assholes. They can keep themselves entertained. It's not like we invited them."

"And there's the thing with Karkat…"

"What thing?"

"I think he could really use a friend to lean on, Dave."

"Yeah, that's why Juggalo McGee is going with him. They should have more fun than Jade at a furries convention."

"And our wedding is a few days away!" you continue.

"…Egbert, no. If you're going where I think you're going with this, I'm screaming massive amounts of no. This train of thought needs to end. It needs to be derailed, literally on fire and crumbled to bits. Metal deathtrap kills hundreds, survivors few, and train _destroyed._ "

"But, Dave-"

"Why the fuck are you so worried about him, anyway?"

"Because he's my friend! The only friend I had, and- it'd be easier to be there for him if I was actually there, because Gamzee isn't really reliable emotional support, and it's only a day and a half to get there by car if we stop at a hotel or something! The wedding is five days away!"

"Yeah, five days away, and three days of driving, in all. He'd have to wrap up whatever family drama he has in less than two days, and if all the Vantas's bitch as bad as he does, they'll never meet that deadline! It's just a bad idea."

"Yeah, fine," you grumble, curling into yourself in irritation because he doesn't understand and seems unwilling to try. He groans behind you, pulling you closer to him.

"Don't be like that, bro. C'mon, I'm not trying to be an ass or anything, I just don't get it. I mean, he seems fine with the whole thing. Did he ask you to go with him?"

"No, he didn't. But that's not the point."

"So what's the point?"

"He'd do the same for me. He'd whine and bitch that it was an inconvenience, but he'd go. Don't you remember how he and Gamzee showed up so suddenly at your gig for no reason when I got drunk that time? It was because they knew how scared I was about the whole thing, and knew I'd need them. And it was true, because without them, I never would've had the courage to tell you how I felt. And yeah, they got me drunk, but I wouldn't change anything about that night. They're a major reason we're together now, Dave, and that's not even including all they've done for me before you moved up here. I know it's stupid, and I know it's really shitty timing because we've got so much going on, but I just- I can't help but feel like I'm supposed to go."

Dave's quiet behind you, his grip still tight, and you wonder for a moment if he'd fallen asleep during your little rant, but then he sighs into the back of your head, his breath blowing against your scalp pleasantly.

"Goddammit, John," he says.

"What?"

"Why are you always such a selfless little dork when all I wanna do is be the asshole I was born to be?"

"Um. Because I'm stupid enough to be selfless at inopportune times?"

"I guess that's it," he says quietly. Nothing more is said for a little bit, and you're almost lost in your thoughts again when he breaks the silence once more. "I'm going with you. If you're going, I mean."

"Of course you're coming with me," you say, rolling over to face him. "Road trips are no fun without hipster losers hogging control of the music and slam dancing."

"My slam dancing is an art."

"Yeah, yeah. You're sure you don't care?"

"Shit man, who knows? Maybe it'll be good for us to get away for a few days before we settle down in domestic bliss. I doubt it'll be too eventful of a trip, but if you think we should be there, then we'll be there. If there's one thing I've learned about all the unnecessary drama that is my life, it's that if you think there's somewhere else you should be, then you should probably get going."

You smile at him, knowing he's talking about when he showed up unexpectedly at your doorstep, bags in hand, asking to stay with you, forever, if you wanted him to. He makes a pleased noise when you lean over to kiss him, and you let him deepen it without hesitation.

"You're the best," you say. "The best is you."

"Mmm. I think we should sleep if we've got this long ass drive to look forward to tomorrow."

"Ugh," you groan. "Alone in a car with Gamzee and Karkat. We might go crazy."

"Yeah. Just remember this was your shitty idea. I'm the innocent sailor being led astray by the siren with the pretty eyes and cute ass. My life is a tragedy."

"Shut the fuck up, Dave."

"Jesus, you're grumpy. I'm the one being led astray, here."

He grunts when you smack him, and his chuckles follow you into sleep.

\--

\--ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 10:03--

CG: I TOLD YOU I'D PESTER YOU BEFORE WE LEFT. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO CONTACT ME IF YOU ALREADY TOLD ME TO CONTACT YOU? IT'S STUPID SHIT LIKE THIS THAT MAKES ME DOUBT YOUR INTELLIGENCE.

EB: good morning, karkat! do you think you can wait until noon to take off? i know you're probably waiting on gamzee anyway, but i wanted to make sure!

CG: GODDAMN RIGHT I'M WAITING ON HIM. STORY OF MY LIFE. WHY DO YOU CARE WHAT TIME WE LEAVE ANYWAY?

EB: i need time to pack! dave, too.

CG: PACK? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

EB: we'll be at your place in a little bit!

CG: MY PLACE?

EB: we're going with you! and you say i'm the dumb one.

CG: WHO THE EVERLOVING FUCK INVITED YOU TWO? IF THERE'S ANYONE MORE INCOMPETENT THAN GAMZEE IT'S YOU TWO DICKSTRUMMING CUMSTAINS.

EB: good thing we're not asking! deal with it, jizzface.

CG:

CG: EGBERT.

EB: i know. you're welcome, karkat. see you soon, okay?

CG: YEAH.

CG: SEE YOU THEN.

\--ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 10:09--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Expand your playlist chums!](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMY4W0l4peY)


	4. Dashboard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Well, it would've been, could've been worse than you would ever know!"- "Dashboard" by Modest Mouse.

You're Dave Strider, and life just ain't fair.

Here you are, second day of John's summer break, and instead of relaxing in bed with said nerd, you're awake and packing for a trip you really couldn't give two shits about. As if that's not bad enough, there are still two uninvited assholes in your house, and you're pretty sure one of them inspired this little trip. You're not trying to blame anyone here, but Jake fucking English is on your list of people to have a few words with. None of this shit even came up until John talked to him last night while you were asleep.

John's busy cramming clothes into a suitcase. You've been done for a few minutes, and he keeps giving you these little glances like he can't tell what you're thinking, but you know better than that. More like he already knows what you're thinking, and is trying to figure out a way to apologize for the whole thing. Really though, he doesn't need to. Yeah, you're bummed out about your ever packed schedule, but he didn't make you volunteer to go with them. You could just let him go alone. But what's funny is even if you think that, you know deep down that you really couldn't let him go without you, and you think he knows that, which is probably the cause of the kicked puppy look.

"Hey, Dave?" he asks suddenly. "Are you okay?"

"Me? Yeah, I'm fucking peachy, bro. Getting ready to hit the road and whatnot, how about you?"

"It's just that you have that sour look on your face that says you're _not_ okay…"

"My face is literally the opposite of sour. I'm not even emoting. As far as I can feel, my face is stiff like I just got Botox, so I don't see what you're talking about, Egbert. Methinks thou art delusional."

"Okay, no. If you're mad, Dave, you don't have to go," he frowns at you.

"We both know that's a sack of shit."

"Why are you being grumpy about this now? I told you last night!"

"Because I was half asleep and now I'm not, and it's just looking like more and more of a bad idea, but since I already agreed to said bad idea, I'm just gonna deal with it."

John sighs and throws his hands in the air for a second before he turns to cross the room. You look down at him when he's directly in front of you, blue eyes wide and innocent-looking, and you just know you're in for it when he lays it on thick like that.

"Don't be mad at me, Dave," he says quietly.

"I'm not mad at you. And I'm not mad at Karkat. Or anything, really. Just this fucked up situation that is my life, and the fact that I'm helpless to stop anything. My life is a train wreck."

"I think that's a little dramatic."

"No, John, I've lost control of my life."

He grins and stands on his tiptoes to kiss you, and in spite of yourself, you smirk against his lips. It's kind of impossible to stay grumpy with John Egbert macking on you. Not that you aren't giving it your best effort.

"Sorry I get you into these shenanigans," he says.

"I don't think anyone else should get me into shenanigans but you." You ruffle his hair and cross the room to finish zipping his suitcase. "Are you almost ready, or are you gonna pack the whole bathroom?"

"Oh, shut up, asshole. You packed way more than I did!"

"Yeah, but I was also done before you. Besides, you'll be begging for my lotion before this is all over with."

"We don't all have baby skin."

"See, you're trying to insult me, but all I hear is how fucking smooth you think my skin is."

He rolls his eyes at you and goes to retrieve something else, and you slip out of the bedroom and into the kitchen to find Jake at the stove.

"Oh, no. No, no, no. You're not using our stove. I've heard stories. I've seen the aftermath. Get the fuck away from there before you hurt yourself, or most importantly, hurt me."

"Heavens, Dave, calm down, would you? I'm not cooking anything; I'm just trying to reach the coffee filters!" Jake says good-naturedly. You move forward to help him, scowling when he thanks you.

"So, English," you start, "this little road trip has your weird accent laced all up in it. You wouldn't happen to have anything to do with John's sudden epiphany, would you?"

His wide green eyes look up at you, the embodiment of innocence, but you are trained in this area. John has the same look when he's about to piss you the fuck off.

"I simply spoke to him about it and did my best to help him feel better! I don't understand why that would get your knickers in a twist."

"Shit, I knew it. You guys can't ever come here without fucking my life up in some way. Just couldn't get enough of that in Texas, huh? You had to bring your meddling ways to California, too. Thanks for that, really. Now I have to spend the next couple of days wanting to rip my ears off. You're really just too nice to me." You click your teeth at his wounded expression. "Can't you just keep fucking up my bro's life and leave mine alone?"

If you didn't know any better, you'd think he looked upset by what you're saying.

"Oh. I'm sorry, I had no idea you felt that way," he says quietly, setting the coffee filters on the counter without getting one out.

Okay, what? He's not…

"Hey. Jake?" you observe his expression carefully, sensing dread.

"I only wanted to help…" Jake says, beginning to turn on his heel. He looks like he's about to cry. And if he cries, and goes to your brother, you're fucking dead. Sensing your immediate demise radiating in the future from the irrefutable smack-down that will be bestowed on your sorry ass if you don't fix this, you grab his shoulder and make him look at you.

"I- Okay, look, I didn't mean that, I'm just grumpy. So don't worry about anything I just said, it's null and void. Okay? We cool?"

He opens his mouth when Dirk walks in the room. You watch your brother observe the scene with a frown, and then he leans against the fridge.

"Something wrong?" he asks in that formidable voice of his, and you turn to Jake with as close to a pleading expression as your face will allow.

"No, we're just having a friendly discussion," Jake says. "Unless there was still an issue?"

"Nah, I'm cool. Totally cool. Me and Signor Vaudeville here are through with our friendly discussion."

"Vaudeville!" Jake exclaims. "Hardly so!"

"Pip pip de doodly doo," you say, and he swats at you with a grin before leaving the room, presumably to find John.

"Oh, man," Dirk says. "I knew John had you whipped, but I didn't know _Jake_ did, too."

"What are you talking about?" you grumble.

"That's his get out of jail free card, bro. He does it all the time. When he's in trouble, it's either the puppy face, or a 'scrum' as he says." Dirk shakes his head. "You're hopeless."

"No. I've just lost control of my life," you reiterate.

"So you're leaving for a few days. You sure that's a good idea? It's kinda close to the wedding."

"It's not me, it's John. His hero shit. Karkat put the nerd symbol in the air, and he's answering the call." You mumble unintelligibly before continuing, "And I'm along for the adventure."

"You don't have to go."

"That's bullshit, and you know it."

Dirk grins, "Yeah, I guess I do know that. Do what you gotta do, lil' bro. We'll hold down the fort till you get back."

"Yeah, yeah."

"And for future reference. Don't be a dick to my husband because you're a grumpy shit. If you weren't leaving so soon, I'd kick your ass."

"Yeah, yeah."

John walks in with Jake in tow, both of them giggling at something like school girls, and if that's not unsettling as fuck, you don't know what is.

"Ready to go?" John asks with a smile. You shoot another pointed look at Jake, who shrugs innocently, and go to grab your bag. As you slip into the car, John in the driver's seat, you send Jake a message.

\--turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 11:03--

TG: youre actually a horrible person if you think about it

TG: acting like youre crying to get out of trouble and shit

TG: if thats not grade school drama class at work i dont know what else it could be

GT: Are you *still* upset?

TG: no

TG: upset isnt the word for it

GT: I believe youre still grumpy and time away might do you some good!

TG: if its the last thing i do im getting you back for this

TG: you can fucking mark my words on that asshole

GT: Alright, that's it. When you get back, it's fuckin' on.

Oh no. You've been intercepted.

TG: shit bro no

GT: Hope you're able to stand up when you make your vows, because this is going in the books as the moment you learned what a strife really is.

TG: fuck

GT: Be safe on your trip. Can't have you hurting yourself before I do it for you.

TG: bro cmon i wasnt being serious this is mass amounts unfair

GT: I warned you about being a dick, man.

\--golgothasTerror [GT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 11:09--

TG: jesus fucking christ i hate you both so much

\--turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 11:09--

"You okay over there?" John asks.

"I think I just inadvertently killed myself. You're gonna be a widow."

"Oh, that's cool. Can I have your stuff?"

"You wound me, babe."

"Hehe, I'm sure it'll be fine, whatever it is."

"I may or may not have taken some stress out on English this morning."

"Yeah, he told me you were being a jerk. Or I think that's the gist of what he was saying, at least. He didn't call you a jerk outright, but I don't remember the actual word he said," John says.

"And Bro may or may not have caught me harassing him through Pesterchum just now," you inform him.

"Okay, yeah, You're pretty dead. Hey, if he kills you, make sure it's after we're married. I need your life insurance!"

"Jesus fuck, I'm marrying a gold digger. Who woulda thunk it?"

John laughs his boisterous laugh that always makes you feel better in spite of yourself, and reaches over the glove box to thread his fingers through yours.

"Do you feel better now that you bullied Jake for no reason?"

"No. In my defense, I don't think about half the shit I say, and I forget people can still take me seriously. So if I'm ever a dick, it's usually unintended."

"Well everyone pretty much knows that. Jake didn't really take offense to it, you know."

"Bro told me. Fucking fake crying, who does that shit?"

"Hehehe, who do you think I got it from? It really does work on you, too! I guess Striders aren't as cool and invulnerable as everyone thinks if a few tears can mess with them!"

"Just for that, you're out of my will."

"Oh what, I don't get the sole possession of your army of body lotion? How will I go on?"

"Ashy skinned as fuck, I'd wager."

Your playful banter continues as John navigates through the city. It's only a little after eleven, but that's the perfect time to try and get anywhere in this cluster-fuck place, after the morning rush and right before lunch. You only hope Karkat is in an okay mood today, because you'd hate to be trapped in a car with him if he was being unnecessarily hostile.

Wait, who are you kidding? You fucking love when he's unnecessarily hostile. But usually only if you're the one making him that way. Who could blame you, really? Messing with the guy is just too much fun. As if sensing your line of thought, John turns to you as he parks the car outside Karkat's apartment complex.

"Go easy with the insults directed at Karkat, okay? I know you're like the biggest sadist ever in that department, but he's going through a hard time, and it wouldn't kill you to be considerate!"

"You're trying to take away the one joy I'll have this entire trip. That's unfair. That is so unfair that I don't even feel right putting the word 'fair' in it, even if it's with the prefix 'un'. What the fuck am I supposed to do for the next- fuck, four days?"

"I don't know, pick on Gamzee or something."

"He doesn't even care though! John, you're killing me."

"You can always go home and deal with Dirk."

Grumbling unintelligibly, you fling unceremoniously from the car and hunch over as you begin walking toward the building. John comments that you look like a walking stick when you move like this, and you flip him off. Karkat is already carrying a case out of his apartment when you get up there, and he eyes the two of you walking up to him.

"About fucking time," he says, but you see it. Holy fuck, you see it. Karkat Vantas, loud mouthed, insult-wielding, balls busting _Karkat Vantas_ is wearing a smile that says he's nothing but eternally grateful to have company. And if that doesn't make you feel like even more of an asshole.

"Hey, sorry, Dave was picking fights with people and we got sidetracked. Is Gamzee already here?" John asks, fist-bumping Karkat's free hand.

"He's packing something suspiciously shaped in the trunk of my car," Karkat says, heading towards the elevator. "You guys didn't pack a shit-ton, right? Because I know Princess Strider here packs more beauty products than a prepubescent girl, but it's not fitting in my car."

"I'll have you know, ass-muncher, that I packed way less than John did. So you can fucking suck it," you say.

"What-fucking-ever. I highly doubt the two of you packed as much as Gamzee anyways. Get my phone charger off the counter and get out here, we have to go." And with that, he's inside the elevator, going down. John turns to you with a happy grin.

"I guess I'll go help cram our stuff in his car. Will you grab the charger?"

"Yeah, yeah. Charger duty. I'm on this shit," you say, venturing inside the apartment. You find Sollux sitting on the couch wrapped in a fluffy blanket, burrito style. "How are you not burning up?" you ask him.

"I feel like literal shit," Sollux sniffs. "I think it's my allergies or- or something-" he cuts off in a sneezing fit, and you grimace at him.

"Jesus, dude, you're a mess."

"This sucks so hard. I've got work to do, and all I want to do is become one with this couch."

"Oh, c'mon just take some Claritin or something."

"My goal in life is to be Mrs. This Couch, Dave. Don't fucking ruin this for me," Sollux says, inching forward on the cushions and looking so much like a caterpillar that you can't help but laugh at him.

"Want me to message Tavros and have him come help you? He's shitty at programming, but I'm sure he can make you soup or something."

"Yes, please," Sollux mumbles into the cushions. "Tell him to roll on over…hehe…"

"You're going to hell, bro," you say as you head for the door. "I'll shoot him a message. Don't die in the short amount of time it takes for him to get here. Just keep being a caterpillar on its way to being a beautiful butterfly."

"Go fuck yourself, please."

"You're a beautiful and one of a kind butterfly, man. It's you."

His arms emerge from the blanket to chuck a pillow at you, but you're already out the door.

Outside, John's cramming your case on top of his, and Karkat's interrogating Gamzee about his luggage.

"I'm telling you, brother, it's shit we need," Gamzee says, shooting you a crooked grin as you approach.

"If these bags are full of drugs, so help me I will fucking end you. Do you understand me? That's all I need is to go to prison for the rest of my life because your stupid traveling pharmacy gets us all pulled over in east Jesus nowhere."

"It ain't like that, goddamn. Just get your motherfuckin' chill on, bro. It's all fine and dandy."

"Done!" John's voice calls as he walks back around the car, looking very much like he just lost the battle with the luggage. "It took forever, but it's safely in the trunk."

"Alright, cool. Which of us is driving first?" you ask.

"Gamzee," Karkat says. "I call shotgun, just in case either of you nook-suckers decided you wanted it."

Rolling your eyes, you join John in the backseat, and immediately roll your window down.

"I think we should pass a car rule," you say, "that Karkitty doesn't drive at all this trip."

"And why the fuck shouldn't I drive my own goddamn car?" Karkat asks, turning to look at you.

"Because you have road rage worse than Mel Gibson in the fucking Road Warrior movies, and I don't want to die or get maimed by some poor asshole you happen to piss off by shouting profanities at. I think it's a good rule to my self-preservation."

"I don't have road rage, Jesus baby-munching Christ, I've gone like five years with no ticket; I am the best driver in the history of drivers."

"Dude, you don't get tickets because I'm pretty sure you verbally debase the cops till they cry and run away."

"Shut the fuck up, I don't want to hear you over my music," Karkat grumbles, starting the first of many shitty songs to come.

"Also," you say over the music just to bother him, ignoring the look John gives you, "I think whoever is up front is in charge of the music. Which means I'm driving like all the time."

"There's nothing wrong with my music!"

"Katy Perry? Really? You don't see what's wrong with this?"

"She's attractive and spunky!"

"Fuckin' A, John. Kill me now," you sigh, slumping into your seat. John pats your thigh with a grin, and you pull your phone out. "Also, Sollux is dying. Thought you should know."

"He's not dying, he's just sick. He'll do what he always does when his allergies incapacitate him, which is make a fuckton of tea and put ungodly amounts of honey in it, and then melt into our couch while whining pitifully. He'll probably call me five times a day to complain about something. Those meds he takes make him loopy as hell," Karkat says.

"I'm sending Tavros to play nurse," you say, and Gamzee tosses you a goofy grin.

"Tavros makes a killer pie, my man. You should ask him to cook that shit up for my allergy ridden brother."

"Will do," you say, already typing.

\--turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering adiosToreador [AT] at 11:58--

TG: hey comma chameleon

TG: i have a mission for you

TG: if you choose to accept you will be responsible for someone elses shitty life which is a pretty rad responsibility

TG: you in

AT: uHHH,

AT: wHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,

TG: sollux is sick

AT: oH,

AT: tHAT'S AWFUL,

TG: see this is where you come in wheels mcgee

TG: need you to go take care of him

TG: butter him up and whatnot make sure he doesnt overdose on honey

TG: can you do that

AT: yEAHHH, BUT COULD YOU MAYBE NOT CALL ME WHEELS MCGEE,

TG: i literally call you worse things all the time

AT: yOU DO,

TG: not to your face

AT: oHHH,

TG: so youre gonna play nurse thats cool

TG: also gamzee says to make him a pie

AT: gAMZEE SAID THAT,

TG: no i made it up for no goddamn reason

TG: jesus fuck

AT: oKAY I'LL GO NOW,

AT: bUT I REALLY THINK YOU'RE JUST THE WORST, WHEN YOU'RE IN ONE OF YOUR MOODS,

AT: jUST SO YOU KNOW THAT,

TG: so ive been told

AT: lATER, THEN,

\--adiosToreador [AT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 12:07--

TG: goddamn you type like a fucking asshole i swear to god

\--turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering adiosToreador [AT] at 12:07--

"Message sent," you announce.

"Great, do you want a cookie or something for a job well-done?" Karkat asks sarcastically, and you kick his seat. John reaches over to swat your thigh, and then grabs your hand in his, giving you the biggest smile.

You know it means a great deal to Karkat to have the two of you along on the trip, and you're glad you can help your friend out in his time of need, but you also know it means the entire world to John to have you here, in this tiny backseat with him.

And really, that's all the incentive you needed to agree to come along for the ride.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [It'd be rad if you could follow this link and expand your playlist](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=penvn9VL32Y)


	5. Sleepyhead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "And you said it was like fire around the brim! Burning solid, burning thin, the burning rim! Like stars burning holes right through the dark! Flicking fire like saltwater into my eyes!"- "Sleepyhead" by Passion Pit.

You're John Egbert, and you're not sure Dave will make it through this trip.

Sure, he might surprise you and not pitch a fit before it's over with, but you're pretty sure if he even makes it that far, he'll be killed by Karkat before he can celebrate.

He's been kicking Karkat's seat for the past hour, but you think he's doing it mindlessly. The worst part is the endless sass streaming from his mouth, which always happens when he's bored. He's insulted everyone in the car at least once, you included, but he's trying to be quiet, which is a first. You're beginning to think it's literally killing him, because he won't stop moving and groaning. Seriously, you're marrying a drama queen.

You make poor life decisions, John.

"Would you shut the _fuck up_ , Strider?" Karkat finally fires off, looking back at the two of you. Dave just sighed too dramatically, and you knew it was only a matter of time.

"I can't. I literally can't. I'm dying. I'm fucking _dying_."

"Dave, you're not dying," you say.

"I am though. I can feel each one of my cells committing suicide. Boredom is the samurai sword, and all my internal organs are rushing toward it, seppuku style. I'm like the last samurai and y'all are killing me with your mass amounts of fucking suck."

"You just need a motherfuckin' break, bro," Gamzee says. "Ain't no samurai style deaths going down here today."

"Excuse you, but none of us are 'breaking' yet. We've only been on the road for a goddamn hour. Drama queen Dave back there can choke on his own tongue before we're stopping this car," Karkat says.

Instead of responding, Dave reaches his foot over the glove box and places the tip of his shoe at Karkat's ear. Karkat then thrashes to try and jump on Dave in the backseat, and Gamzee swerves the car as some of the flails reach him. There's a chorus of honking from some of the other cars on the highway, and when the car is back between the lines where it's supposed to be, all of you are breathing pretty heavily.

"Jesus fucking _Christ_ ," you say, your heart beating fast, "Dave- Dave you almost just _killed_ us!"

"I did not! I didn't think he'd flip the fuck out!"

"What the fuck do people normally do when pompous ass jockeys put their disease ridden feet near them?!" Karkat hisses, already trying to reach in the backseat to swat at Dave.

"Hey, dudes, calm down, jeeze," you say, pushing Karkat's hand away. "He's sorry, right?"

"No, I'm not. I'm not sorry for anything I do, ever," Dave says.

"I'm about to shove my foot up your fucking ass," Karkat says.

"Kinky," Dave says.

"Ughhh," you groan. "Can you guys get along for like, sixteen more hours? Please? I kinda don't want to die today."

"It's time for my music then, Karbro," Gamzee says, moving his wiry arm in almost slow motion to unhook Karkat's phone from the adapter and plugging his own in.

"Thank whatever fucking holy life form there is for that," Dave says. "If I had to hear anymore Kesha I was gonna bite my own tongue off and spit the pieces at every one of y'all."

"That would've been a blessing in so many ways," Karkat says.

"You just want my tongue touching you."

"I would rather eat a thousand pine cones."

"Your mom's a pine cone."

"Your _face_ is a pine cone!"

At the sound of your dramatic groaning, Gamzee turns up the radio, and you're secretly in agreement with Dave that it's not more pop music. But you still don't know what you're listening to.

"What is this?" you ask.

"Kid Cudi," Dave says before Gamzee can. ["Mr. Solo Dolo."](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MqI_O3kIFHM)

"Heck yeah, my musical based encyclopedia brother. He's motherfuckin' dope," Gamzee grins. Karkat settles in his seat, arms still crossed over his chest. He looks calmer though, so at least that's a thing.

Dave is noticeably more bearable after that, you notice. Maybe it was just the fact that he can't stand Karkat's music. God, he's such a hipster. You really need to reevaluate your taste in life partners. Before you can think too much about it, your phone vibrates against your leg.

\--gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 14:03--

GG: jooohhhnnnn!!!!

EB: hi, jade! it's been forever!

GG: i know youve been so busy

GG: how is everything going before the BIG day? :D

EB: oh well... something sort of came up.

GG: oh nooooo

GG: did you finally realize youre too good for dave???? weve all been thinking its only a matter of time!

EB: hahahaha! yes that's exactly it! how was i so blind for so long?

GG: no clue!!!

EB: we're actually leaving town for a few days.

GG: huh? why when its so close to your wedding?

EB: well...karkat's dad died.

GG: D: oh nooooo!!!!

GG: i need to message him and tell him im sorry!

EB: you should! but yeah, he's going back to washington but he's scared to fly, so we're all driving with him.

GG: dave is too?

EB: i know. i was surprised too.

GG: well i mean hes a dumb butt

GG: but he wouldnt let you go alone! hes dave

EB: yeah. i'm really lucky to have him.

GG: youre lucky to have each other!

EB: but i feel kind of skeezy for making us go on a trip so close to the wedding!

GG: hmmmmm it IS kinda weird!

GG: but youre just a really good friend! i think dave knows that

EB: jade, i love you.

GG: i love you too!!!!

EB: i can't wait to see all of you again! it's been too long!

GG: i knoooow! it's been ridiculous not seeing everyone again

GG: im glad we could talk a little but ive gotta go feed bec now and hes so hard to catch sometimes! youre okay though?

EB: huh? of course i am!

GG: good :)

GG: pester me soon!

GG: <3

\--gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 14:20--

You put your phone in your lap and fiddle with it idly, not paying attention to anything in particular. Gamzee's music is still blaring through the speakers, and it's on a slow song. You yawn, slipping further down into your seat. Dave nudges you in the shoulder, and he points to your phone when you look at him.

\--turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 14:22--

TG: was that jake

EB: no, you're safe. it was jade.

TG: oh sweet

TG: how is she

EB: good. she was going to feed bec and had to leave early though.

TG: her and that monster dog

TG: hell eat her one day and itll be a national tragedy

TG: "girl swallowed whole, only remains are geeky glasses"

EB: as much as I want to deny it, this seems likely!

Dave snorts a little, and then his knee rests against yours as his thumbs move over his screen.

TG: sorry im being a dick today

EB: you usually are. :B

TG: yeah but im sort of amplifying the dickness

TG: down with the dickness

TG: ooh ahh ahh ahh ahh

EB: dave, oh my god no.

TG: cmon get down with the dickness

EB: you're such a loser.

TG: im YOUR loser

EB: that was so cheesy it hurts.

TG: want me to kiss it better?

You laugh under your breath, shaking your head.

EB: why are we talking through pesterchum when we're right beside each other?

TG: because karkat flips out if we even breathe loud much less talk

EB: you were kind of starting it!

TG: nah

EB: yes!

TG: i wonder if well be stopping at a hotel to sleep at

EB: i doubt it. i think he wants to drive straight there.

TG: damn

EB: did you want a hotel for some reason?

TG: yeah to tear you apart in

Your body heats up and you bite your lip, glancing up at him only to see he's looking at you, too. You fidget in your seat to press your body closer to his, and he seems to do the same.

EB: that sounds really nice.

TG: you moaning is always pretty nice

EB: jesus, dave.

TG: i saw what you were talking about earlier

EB: about what?

TG: karkat

TG: he was smiling at us

TG: hes really happy we went with him

EB: yeah, he's just too proud to admit it!

TG: good thing we all have you in our lives to force us together and make us talk about our feelings

EB: hey fuck you! i so don't do that!

Dave's shoulders shake from silent laughter, and he puts his phone back in his pocket before reaching over to pull you into his chest. You settle there, breathing in his scent and idly tracing indistinct patterns on his shirt. His breathing is deep, and soon it evens out so much that you know he's asleep. When he slumps against you, you lean up to pull him into your lap, unbuckling his seat belt so he has room. You hook his sunglasses in your collar. Karkat looks back at you.

"Oh, thank fucking Jesus," he says. "Maybe he'll be more pleasant after a nap. And I'm using the word 'pleasant' really loosely, mind you."

"I know, dude," you say. "He was being so grumpy."

"So I've been motherfuckin' wondering," Gamzee says suddenly, reaching up to turn the radio down. "Is your brother gonna be there?"

"Ugh, of all the things you could've been wondering about, it had to be about that self-righteous asshole," Karkat grumbles.

"Hey, yeah," you say. "I haven't seen Kankri since he visited the store _forever_ ago. Doesn't he live in Oregon, now?"

"Yeah, he moved out there with his stupid boy toy, Cronus," Karkat says. "If you can imagine a pretentious fuck in person, that's Cronus Ampora. Punching him in the face would be too good for him."

"What's wrong with him?" you ask.

"He's just really fucking annoying. And he used to flirt with everything. Literally, _every_ -fucking-thing. I don't know how they ever ended up getting married."

"They're married?" you ask.

"Yeah. They didn't really tell anyone. Kankri told me, but I didn't go."

"Why?"

"We're not exactly close. But he's pretty close to Dad." Karkat pauses, and then looks pointedly out the window. "Or _was_ close, I should say."

"Didn't they have that huge motherfuckin' fight though?" Gamzee asks.

"Well, yeah. Dad didn't approve of him dating a guy. My father is literally the equivalent of the most racist, sexist, and homophobic person you could imagine. It's seriously amazing the world gets to be without his shitty spirit taking up perfectly good space, now."

"What about your mom?" you ask, unused to hearing Karkat speak so openly about his family.

"She's pretty typical. Preacher's wife and shit."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. You dad was a _preacher_?"

"God was number one in our household," Karkat says. "And the rest of us only got to talk when my dad said it was okay."

You fall silent at that, wondering about what kind of life Karkat must have had. You've always imagined that he came from loud parents, because he himself is so loud. But now, you aren't sure.

Maybe he's always so loud because he's afraid of no one listening to him?

Suddenly overcome, you reach forward and grip his sleeve, giving him a shaky grin when he looks at you. He rolls his eyes but he grins back.

"Easy there, Egbert," he says. "You lean forward anymore and Fucks McGee is gonna fall out of your lap."

You lean back, but keep your hand on his sleeve for a second longer. His reaches up to cover yours, and he gives a slight squeeze. He lets go a moment before you do. Gamzee gives you both a look, and you think there are tears in his eyes.

"That was motherfuckin' _beautiful_ ," he says.

"Shut the fuck up, ass goblin," Karkat says.

"When I first met Karbro," Gamzee says, reaching over to ruffle Karkat's hair, "he wouldn't motherfuckin' talk to nobody. I had to get him mad to get him to talk."

"I wasn't _talking_ to you, you fucking waste of brain cells. I was _yelling_ at you."

"But we've been best bros ever since!"

"You guys met in grade school, right?" you ask.

"Second grade," Karkat says. "Gamzee was eating glue, and I tried to make it a point to not go near him."

"It wasn't just glue," Gamzee says. "I ate motherfuckin' glitter, too."

"...Why would you _announce_ that?" you ask.

"It was a major accomplishment, my misunderstanding brother."

"He wanted to feel fucking pretty on the inside," Karkat sighs. "I'm still pretty sure I saw a cloud of glitter come out of his mouth just a few years ago."

You snort, reaching down to card your fingers through Dave's hair. He makes a pleased hum and nuzzles into your thigh, long legs bent at the most awkward angle. Long minutes pass in silence, and you begin to feel yourself drifting off as well when Gamzee's voice breaks the quiet.

"Can we stop at this convenient store? I'm having motherfuckin' Faygo withdraws."

"Ugh, yeah." Karkat says. "If I don't get caffeine, I'm going face first into the dashboard."

Gamzee pulls the car into the gas station, parking right outside the door. He turns to look at you.

"You coming in, bro?" he asks. You shake your head.

"I don't think I can get up."

"Wake him the hell up," Karkat says. "Even if you aren't coming in, we aren't stopping again for a while. I'd stretch out if I were you."

Mulling this over, you reach down to shake Dave gently. He grumbles and curls into himself.

"Dave, c'mon," you whine. "I need to stretch my legs!"

"Nghh."

"I'll buy you an apple juice."

Slowly, he uncurls and moves to a sitting position, looking over at you with an expectant stare before he pulls his shades back on. You grin and hop out of the car.

Inside, Gamzee is trying to decide on a Faygo flavor, and Karkat has already made a beeline for the pastries. He's looking longingly at the little packs of doughnuts, and you shake your head at him before grabbing Dave an apple juice and yourself a Pepsi. Gamzee saunters over to you, holding a gigantic bag of Doritos.

"Look how motherfuckin' big this bag is," he says in awe. "It's like...gargantu-bag. We need this."

"I think I want some Lifesavers," you say. You'd _really_ like some Gushers, but you'll settle for gummies. Grabbing Dave some sour straws, you head to the register. The girl rings you up, but her eyes stay trained on Gamzee. You don't blame her. In his saggy pants and huge shirt, he does look like a potential menace.

Once outside, you find Dave leaning against the car, stretching his arms in the air. You toss him the apple juice, which he catches with one hand, and join him against the car.

"How long was I out?" he asks.

"Like forty-five minutes?" you guess. "I'm not really sure."

"I had a dream that Gamzee was on fire."

"Oh, shit. Did he die?"

"No. He was just like, 'I'm motherfuckin' burning. This shit's a miracle,'" Dave says, and you laugh at his Gamzee impersonation.

Karkat and Gamzee file out of the store, and Dave lunges for the front seat, motioning for you to claim shotgun. You do as he says, and he locks the front doors manually, leaving the other two with the backseat as the only option. Karkat crawls in, but he's spewing obscenities before he's even in the car all the way.

"You taint-sniffing fuck, who the hell said you could drive my car?"

"Uh, me. Just now. Now, y'all get ready for some _real_ music."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [eXpAnD yOuR mOtHeRfUcKiN' pLaYlIsT :O)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0RvPYRRRbE)


	6. Leif Erikson

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tons of music, I apologize. Follow the links!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "She says It helps with the lights out. Her rabid glow is like braille to the night. She swears I'm a slave to the details, but if your life is such a big joke, why should I care?"- "Leif Erikson" by Interpol.

Open road, wind in your hair, John beside you with his stupid little grin. Oh yes, you could get used to this.

"Strider, when the everloving fuck are you going to stop this car? I'd like to be able to sit up front, and I don't think it's too much to ask of you, since, you know, I own the goddamn thing."

You're Dave Strider, and you almost forgot about the assholes in the backseat.

"No, man. See, offering your car as the mode of transportation didn't earn you anything extra. I'm driving until I get the urge to be attacked by someone you happen to piss off by raving at or flipping off or something, which won't be anytime soon," you say. Karkat huffs in exasperation.

"Oh, right, I forgot we all have to play by Princess Fuckwit's rules or he gets his panties in a twist."

"Don't talk about my panties, man. That's incognito shit."

"Fuck me sideways, are you _actually_ wearing panties?"

"That's for me to know and John to find out."

"He is," John supplies helpfully. "They're pink with little bows."

"Would've pegged you as a lace man, bro," Gamzee says. "All up and drowning in red lace and G-strings."

"Nah, I don't need to be outright saucy and daring. Pink adds the hint of innocence in there. I need that for the added mystery."

"The only fucking mystery here is why we're having this conversation," Karkat mumbles. "And what the hell are we listening to?"

["The Postal Service,"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12-mkUWLadU) you say, reaching over to turn it up.

"It's putting me to sleep," Karkat continues. "Isn't there anything half decent on your playlist?"

"No. Everything is 100% decent. I don't have time to halfass do shit, Karkitty. I'm a man of action."

"You're a man of retard."

"John, he's making your blushing bride to be tear up like a fuckin' moe. I demand to know how you're gonna defend my honor."

"I could always punch him," John says. "But that wouldn't be practical."

"Not to mention I'd tear your fucking head off if you touched me," Karkat offers. 

"I think I'd look cool headless," John says. "Sort of mysterious and scary."

"I don't think you could ever be scary, man," you say. "But if you were headless, it'd be a waste."

"Waste?"

"I'm kinda enamored with your face."

"Motherfuckin' smooth," Gamzee says as he tries to light a cigarette. "Hey, could y'all roll up the windows for a sec? Brother's got a massive need to get his motherfuckin' smoke on, but the wind's making it all up and impossible."

You do as he asked and press the button right as the next song comes on. Karkat groans from the back.

"And what the fuck is this one?" he asks.

["'Play' by iamamiwhoami,"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zJBC8L3pG_Y) you say like it's common sense.

"Should've known, what a shocker," Karkat scowls. "Total gibberish, makes perfect fucking sense. Hey, Gamzee, don't you think I should've known that? Seems obvious, right?"

"I think it's pretty chill," Gamzee says. "I'm always up for being knowledgeable about music."

"At least you're up to being knowledgeable about _something_ ," Karkat mumbles. Gamzee grins and wraps a lanky arm around him. You think John's being a little quiet, and when you glance at him, you see why. He's on his phone, messaging someone. You put your hand on his thigh.

"Who is it now?"

"Jake," he says.

"And what's jungle boy saying?"

"Nothing about you," John grins. "We're talking about movies."

"Sometimes I feel like you tell me that so I won't know you're actually mad sexting over there."

"Oh, yeah. We're comparing dick sizes right now, and in a minute we're simulating date night," John says, giving you a wink. "It's _Jake_ , dude. I don't think he knows what sexting is."

"He's married to my brother," you say. "I'm pretty sure he's contaminated."

"Speaking of your brother," John says, "he found your cabinet of dead things."

"Shit."

"Cabinet of _dead things_?" Karkat asks incredulously.

"Dead things in _jars_ ," you defend. "For science."

"Bullshit, you just like how they look," John says. "But they're in the cabinet because having dead things preserved anywhere screams maniac, and it's bad press."

"No, no, hang on here," Karkat interrupts. " _Dead_ things in _jars_? Are you actually a serial killer waiting to happen?"

"Yeah. And I target short assholes with a vast amount of complexes."

"The only complex I have right now is restraining myself from reaching up and turning the steering wheel to drive us right the fuck into a tree. And what the hell are we listening to _now_?"

["Broken Social Scene."](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=igRo7CvttTs)

"Broken like my eardrums."

John is laughing next to you, typing something else into his phone. There's always a small pang of jealousy whenever he talks to Jake for one of their two hour long chat sessions. Not because you think he'd leave you for Jake or some shit. No one leaves a Strider. It bothers you because they have so much to talk about all the time, and have _way_ too much in common. Not that you can ever talk about this with anyone. Dirk tells you to shut up and grow a pair whenever you bring it up. And hell, if the JakeJohn friendship doesn't bother Dirk, you suppose it shouldn't bother you either. But still. It kinda does.

"Hey, douche lord," Karkat says, kicking John's seat, "what the fuck are you giggling about up there? It's unsettling."

"Jake is bitching about Dirk," John says.

Okay, this just took a turn from slightly jealous to very interested. "What's he saying?" you ask, feigning nonchalance. John sees through it though. He always does.

"They have plans to go sightseeing today, since we live so close to Hollywood," John explains. "But Dirk is still in the shower. I'm helping Jake come up with a plan to get him to hurry up."

"What sort of plan?"

"Jake may or may not have just tossed a bunch of cold water over the shower curtain."

"Oh, shit," you laugh. "Bro's gonna kick his ass."

"Jake says he's screaming. Okay, Dirk is really pissed. Uh- Jake's chumhandle just went dark," John says.

"Well, there goes your twin," Karkat says. "One less moron in the world to worry about."

"He'll be fine," John grins, putting his phone away. "I'm sure Dirk won't break anything."

Things are quiet for a while, aside from Karkat's continuous chants of "What the fuck are we listening to?" at every song. After a few hours driving, you start to fidget in your seat, your driving leg numb. John pats your leg and tells you to pull over, that he'll drive for a bit. You acquiesce, and as you walk around the car to get in the passenger's seat, John climbs over the glove box to take the wheel.

"How long have we been on the road," you ask, stretching your arms over your head and observing the night sky from your window.

"About nine hours," John says. "We probably need to stop for gas soon."

"When we stop, I'm driving," Karkat grumbles. "Neither of you have this fucking behemoth using you as a pillow."

Turning, you see Gamzee's lanky frame tilting entirely on Karkat, almost shoving the store manager against the window. You waggle your eyebrows at him and grin when he flips you off. Your phone starts to chime, interrupting [The Pixies.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrdpliMfoAM) Telling John he can hook up his music, you unhook yours and check your latest pesters; one is from Sollux, and the other is from Rose.

\--twinArmageddons [TA] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 21:22--

TA: hey,

TA: ii have a que2tiion.

TG: okay then

TG: lemme hear it

TA: do you have any iidea where the holy fuck kk ii2?

TG: dude what

TA: kk ii2 mii22iing.

TA: ii cant fiind hiim and tavro2 iis here and he2 no help.

TG: karkat is with us dipshit

TG: were going to his family drama remember

TG: this literally just happened today

TG: also

TG: why would you message me and not karkat himself

TA: oh riight, ii forgot ii could do that.

TG: so

TG: already loopy from the allergy medications huh

TA: what, no.

TA: fuck you.

TA: get your a22 back here and briing my boyfriiend wiith you.

TG: trust me id love to but im kinda stuck in the passenger seat of this derailment that is my life

TG: my life is a series of detours and u turns

TG: interstate ramps that lead nowhere and a big sweaty guy in the drivers seat who smells suspiciously like gorgonzola

TG: only not really because john is in the drivers seat and i like how he smells most of the time

TA: je2u2 ii forget 2ometiimes how much ii hate your rambliing but then you do thiing2 liike thi2.

TA: ii dont want to hear about john, diick2hiit.

TG: too bad because im continuing to talk about him

TG: im waxing poetry here

TG: my goal is to now make you uncomfortable

TA: good luck wiith that. my comfort meter ii2 exceptiionally hiigh.

TG: oh dude whatever you totally freaked out once because this chick was talking about her nipples at the lunch table

TA: iit wa2 un2ettliing.

TG: girl nipples or nipples in general

TA: iin general.

TG: have I ever told you how much i love johns nipples

TA: ii am ending thii2 conver2atiion.

TG: no man im getting in my element here you gotta hear me out

TG: the element of johns nipples

TA: one day iim goiing two beat the 2hiit out of you, but today ii2 not that day becau2e ii cant 2ee 2traiight.

TA: 2o well contiinue thii2 later.

TG: its a date then

TG: pester karkat he could probably use the distraction

TG: but no sexting in my presence

TA: wow, hey, youve got joke2 that no one thiink2 are funny. iim 2extiing hiim now.

TG: nudes?

TA: you know iit.

TG: i wouldnt do that if the goal is to get him hard

TG: no one wants to see your pasty white body

TA: pot, kettle.

TG: ouch

TA: al2o ii wanted two a2k how kk ii2.

TG: hes fine

TA: fiine liike how you thiink everythiing ii2 fiine ,or fiine liike you actually thiink 2o?

TG: i dont think everything is fine

TA: 2ure.

TG: what the fuck does that mean

TA: iit mean2 what iit mean2.

TG: well that explains everything

TA: ii have two go now.

TA: kk sent me a diick piic.

TG: deuces

\--twinArmageddons [TA] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 21:31--

"Are you messaging Sollux back there?" you ask Karkat.

"Yes."

"He informs me you're sending nudes. I'm impressed, since you're fully clothed."

"It's a talent," Karkat says dismissively. "Now shut the fuck up."

John grins at you while some cheesy pop song from the 90's blares on the speakers, and you check your pesters from Rose, which are apparently verging on being a novel.

\--tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 21: 20--

TT: Dave, I need to discuss something with you.

TT: Jade informs me that John has recruited the two of you to go to Washington for a few days. You can imagine my concerns, seeing as how in a few days, we'll all be flying to California to see the wedding Kanaya and I have been setting up for you these past few months.

TT: David, I know you're online, stop ignoring my messages or I'll message Dirk and tell him you're insulting Jake again.

TT: Fine, you leave me no choice. I've just informed him that you called Jake a limey piece of shit.

TG: im right here jesus fuck I was messaging sollux

TG: soulless shrew

TG: and you did not tell dirk that

TG: please tell me that is not a thing that happened

TT: Of course not, it was merely a joke.

Before you can respond, your phone chimes again.

\--timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 21:33--

TT: How is it that you're still finding a way to piss me off when you're literally hundreds of miles away by now?

TT: That ass kicking you're getting when you come back is starting to look more and more brutal. You'll have a rough honeymoon, bro.

TG: i didnt even do anything rose is a liar and blasphemer

TT: Sure she is. Your record isn't exactly spotless.

TG: i fucking hate you

TG: i just really really hate you

TT: I care so much about that.

TG: how was that cold shower earlier just by the way

TT: How'd you know about that?

TG: ask jake

\--turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 21:36--

Scowling, you open up Rose's pesterlog again.

TG: you are just

TG: the worst type of person

TT: What was I supposed to do? John has repeatedly brushed off the subject, and I am fairly certain he blocked Kanaya on Pesterchum.

"Did you block Kanaya?" you ask.

"Yes," John says, turning slightly pink. "She kept messaging too early!"

TG: okay he did but its because she wouldnt stop messaging at the asscrack of dawn

TT: It's no excuse, as far as I'm concerned. But I will wait to reprimand him for it. As for you, I'm more than a little intrigued. Why did you agree to accompany them on this trip? It's unlike you.

TG: you dont know what im like

TT: You are mostly self centered and shrill. Therefore, as previously mentioned, this is unlike you.

TG: fuck you im not shrill

TT: Your shrillness is not the topic of discussion.

TG: youre right

TG: this discussion is about you being a horrible person

TG: you probably got me killed by messaging dirk just now

TT: Why would Dirk take my word on something like that without needing confirmation?

TG: because

TG: i may or may not have already insulted jake today

TG: a few times

TT: Ah, I see. You're doing that thing where you bitch at everyone else because you don't know how to handle frustration properly.

TG: omfg

TG: yes okay yes

TG: you have me so figured out

TG: help me senpai i need your infinite wisdom to become a real member of society

TT: I'm always happy to help. But if we're going the senpai route, I'd appreciate it if you wore the proper kouhai uniform.

TG: im already in my sailor suit

TT: Thigh high stockings?

TG: only the best for you senpai

TT: Good. Senpai is pleased.

TG: but my skirt is a little too short im afraid

TT: No, that's the proper length. The breeze is nature's way of telling you you're showing the right amount of leg.

TG: sweet

TG: as always its been real lalonde

TG: but i gotta go now

TT: I must say, Dave. I am a little disappointed in your lack of rapping lately.

TG: lack of?

TT: It used to be I couldn't message you for a few minutes without getting a screen full of sarcastic half-assed rapping.

TG: ive been busy as if you didnt know

TG: raps dont fall out of the goddamn sky

TT: Are you saying...you've lost your edge?

TG: what

TG: no

TT: Doomed to part ways over the ledge?

TG: rose

TT: Wherefore art thou in the car?

TT: Hiding from thy fears hidden in the dark.

TG: jesus fucking christ

TT: Would you like to know what I miss?

TT: Your forbidden love, your puppet tryst.

TG: i will literally kill you

TT: But there are so many plush lips you have not kissed!

TG: im leaving this conversation

TT: Oh my. It seems I have been dissed.

TG: word

\--turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 21:48--

Sighing dramatically, you toss your phone in the cup holder. John gives you a sidelong glance and then reaches for your hand, which you gladly give him. 

"What's wrong?" he asks. 

"Rose." 

"Oh, okay." 

"She rapped at me." 

"Was she good?" 

"Passable." 

Laughing, he pulls into the gas station to fill up. 

"Are we seriously driving all night?" you ask, groaning as your legs pop from your sudden movements. 

"Yes," Karkat says, pocketing his phone as he opens the back door, Gamzee almost flopping out of it. "So you better use the bathroom now, or forever hold it." 

Not needing to be told twice, you hop out and follow John inside while Karkat tries to wake Gamzee up with a series of none too gentle slaps to the face. John goes in first, as it's one of those one room deals, and you look longingly at the rows upon rows of junk food. It used to be, you'd eat your weight in sweet stuff and not care about the long term effects, but John is a bit of a health nut these days, and you know he'd glare daggers at you of you got too much. But then again, you think as you stare at the Little Debbie's, you're starting to not care. 

As if reading your thoughts, John emerges from the bathroom, and you slip inside without meeting his eyes. The good news, you think to yourself, is that you've only got about six more hours of driving until you're there. The bad news is, you're going to be at Karkat's family's house, and that's more than a little unsettling. Even Sollux hasn't met the freaks, and he's been Karkat's boyfriend for two years now. 

"Hurry the fuck up, asshole," Karkat's voice calls, and you grumble to yourself. Never a moment's peace, huh? He rushes in as you exit, and you're face to face with Gamzee, who looks like he really did fall face first on the concrete outside. 

"I gots to buy some motherfuckin' Cheetos," he says seriously. "'Cause I'm getting my smoke on when we get back in the car." 

"Hope you plan on sharing," you say, observing the Pringles flavors. 

"Of course. I can't be all up and motherfuckin' partaking of this most righteous bud and not be willing to offer some best friend hospitality," he says, slinking toward the bathroom as Karkat exits. John is already at the register, paying for gas. 

"I vote we get a shit ton of junk food," you say. Karkat ogles you suspiciously. 

"And why the fuck should we do that?" 

"Because we're gonna be on the road until like 5am. We're gonna need the sugar." Goddamn, you're brilliant. That'll totally work on John, too. Karkat considers this before nodding, and you celebrate a little victory before grabbing as many of the Little Debbie brownies and cakes as you can, Karkat close behind. If there's anything you have in common with the guy, it's the massive sweet tooth. Sure enough, as you head outside, you're both toting bags filled to the brim with junkfood, which John ogles distastefully. 

"Dave," he starts. 

"We need caffeine and sugar to make our deadline, don't we?" you grin, successfully disarming him. He narrows his eyes at you, but he nods, so you accept this little victory over future doctor health nut John Egbert. Karkat reminds you (loudly) that he's driving, so you get in the backseat, joined by John shortly after. 

It's a little while later, pop music blaring on the speakers and John nestled up against you as the two of you share some chips as Gamzee rambles about the circus he went to once when he was five that the car starts to slow down. 

"Karkat, what the fuck?" you say, looking around at the empty highway. "Why're we stopping?" 

"I'm not doing it on purpose!" Karkat hisses. The music stops and the lights turn off as the car dies. "Fucking dicks on a stick,"he growls, turning the key over and over in the ignition. "It's dead." 

"Probably just needs some TLC, bro," Gamzee says helpfully. 

"Well of you want to go out there and jam your dick in the car, be my guest, Gamzee," Karkat scowls. "But while you do that, we'll be coming up with a sensible solution." 

Gamzee actually makes to get out of the car until John reaches forward and grabs his sleeve, shaking his head. You sigh and sink into your seat while Karkat pulls out his phone. 

It's gonna be a longer night than you thought. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [EXPAND YOUR FUCKING PLAYLIST.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBe7Wq6vhWs)


	7. It's Alright

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drug use, men being idiots, and NSFW shit ahead. You've been warned, my lovelies!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Maybe we're going nowhere fast, ohhh. And maybe we never even touched the gas, ohhh." - "It's Alright" by Matt & Kim.

You're John Egbert, and you think Karkat's about to kill someone.

Of course, your main concern is Dave, because the blond prick is standing beside you, arm slung around your waist and face impassive. But you know him too well, and you know behind that cool facade is a snarky man about to say something rude and unneeded, and with Karkat's current attitude, you don't think it'll end well. So you're keeping a close eye on him while Gamzee holds a flashlight over the car's exposed engine and Karkat inspects said engine like he knows what he's doing.

He doesn't know what he's doing, and you all know that, but none of you have the heart to say so.

"What's the prognosis, man?" Dave asks, a small quirk already lifting his lips at the corners. He knows it'll piss Karkat off. You pinch him so hard he yelps and rubs his side with the hand not around your waist, and he glares at you when you snicker at his abused expression. His sunglasses are perched on top of his head, as all three of you have seen his eyes many times and it's too dark to wear them, and his exposed face is so expressive that it makes you laugh sometimes.

"The prognosis is that you should shut the fuck up," Karkat says, not turning around. "Shit- is this thing supposed to look like anything? Because it doesn't look like shit except for wires and tubes."

"Well, that's the engine, bro," Gamzee says helpfully. "And that's where the oil goes in-"

"Gamzee, I don't want to hear anything out of your mouth unless the next words are what's wrong with the car."

"What if it's something that'll make you motherfuckin' happy?"

"It will make me  _happy_  to know what's wrong with the car, you slobbering taint-licking fuck."

"Nah, man. This is better than that."

"Jesus fucking-  _what?_  What is it?"

"I love you, best friend."

Karkat stands up straight just to push Gamzee over, and Gamzee falls in slow motion, landing flat on his back in the street before he folds into himself like a dying spider. Dave snorts next to you and then waltzes over to Karkat, hands going up defensively when Karkat's glare directs toward him.

"Easy there, Kar-cactus. I'm just gonna check what's wrong with the car," Dave says.

"Like you even know," Karkat snaps.

"Hey man, I could be an asshole and say something mean like 'back atcha, short stack', but why don't we take the high road for once and you let me look at the car?"

"Fine, you tape-worm filled prick, have at it." Karkat sits on top of Gamzee, unwilling to sit directly on the ground. Gamzee lifts his arms to poke at Karkat's face, and then yelps when Karkat bites his hand. Laughing, you walk over to them while Dave inspects the car. He's not really great with cars or anything, but he knows more than the rest of you, since Dirk is somewhat of a mechanic. Not to mention he looks pretty hot bent over the engine like that.

"Stop ogling the praying mantis, Egbert," Karkat snaps. You look down at him to see him light something that look suspiciously like a joint. "It's not like he has an ass to look at."

"Hey dude, I've got the  _best_  ass," Dave says, wiggling it a bit to prove his point. "I'm like Goldilocks. I'm just right."

"If just right is the size of an old lady's cane, then yeah, you're fucking Goldilocks," Karkat responds.

"You're just jealous that you're short  _and_  scrawny," Dave says. "You didn't even get the tall gene. You're just kinda there, shooting off obscenities and emitting an unpleasant aura."

"Shut up and tell me what's wrong with my car, you fucking slut socket."

"It probably saw your face too long."

"Strider, I swear to whatever fucking higher life form there might be, I am not in the mood. I'll kill you. I will just murder you right here, and no one will even care."

"I kinda will," you say, dodging when he tries to kick you. Grumbling, you move to stand beside Dave, who waggles his eyebrows at you.

"Bad news, bro," Dave says, moving away from the car.

"What's wrong with it?" Karkat asks.

"No clue, so you're gonna have to call someone."

"We're in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere and it's almost midnight," Karkat hisses. "Where the fuck are we supposed to go?"

"I dunno man, Google the area we're in and find a tow service. It ain't rocket science," Dave says, yawning a bit. He dodges the punch Karkat directs at him and flops against your back, arms moving to encircle your waist. "I vote we make the assholes wait out here and you let me show you a good time in the backseat," he mumbles into your ear.

"Are you gonna give me a massage first?" you ask, nudging his head with yours.

"Hell yeah, gotta romance my lady first," he grins.

"Fuck yourself, Romeo. I'm not a lady!"

"Yeah, you're too full of rugged manly charm," Dave says sarcastically. Karkat is walking down the highway, phone at his ear as he speaks to someone. "I actually kinda feel bad for that asshole."

"You do?"

"Yeah. Seems like whatever can go wrong will go wrong. It's just not his week."

"Hmm," you agree. "Poor Karkat."

"Don't y'all motherfuckin' worry," Gamzee says from the ground and you jump. You really forgot he was there. "I got just the thing he needs."

"A dick?" Dave guesses, and you smack him in the chest.

"Next best thing, my brother."

"Alright, well great. Just fucking great," Karkat announces as he returns, looking more than enraged. "The fucking tow guy is closed, but that number on the website is his cell, so he's making an exception to come get us."

"Isn't that good?" you ask, confused by his fury. The glare he gives you could curdle milk, you think.

"No, you stupid fuck, because we have to wait for him to get here and he's already about forty-five minutes away, not adding the time it takes for him to get everything ready. And all the mechanics will be closed this late, so we'll have to wait till morning for anyone to fix my car. Jesus fucking Christ, why is this my life? Why the actual  _fuck_  is this my life?" Karkat sinks to the ground beside Gamzee, hands over his face.

"There, there, best friend," Gamzee says, uncurling from his spider stance. "I've got just the thing."

You all watch him warily as he takes the keys from Karkat, slinks to the trunk, digs out his bag and ruffles through it. When he emerges, he's holding a tiny plastic bag and wearing a shit eating grin on his face.

"I thought- you fucking ass clown- I  _told_  you there better not be drugs in there!" Karkat snarls, hopping to his feet in an instant.

"No, you said it better not be  _filled_  with drugs, my man," Gamzee grins. "And it ain't."

"What are those?" you ask, slightly worried. Gamzee smiles widely at you, which is even more unsettling.

"Shrooms, my scared looking brother. Shrooms. And you're doing them with us."

"Like hell I am!" you say, suddenly not liking the way everyone is looking at you. "How many times do I have to tell you guys- I don't do drugs!"

"He doesn't  _have_  to do them," Dave says. "But count me in, man, I could use it."

"Daaaaave," you whine.

"Dude, I let you talk me into being a healthy, upstanding citizen a high amount of time. We're waiting for some asshole in the middle of nowhere, and we've still got a five hour drive to go. I'm not gonna be sober for the next four hours, okay? And you're gonna deal with that."

"You fucking prick," you say, looking away from him. "I'm not babysitting you."

No one answers you, and when you look over at them, they're all chewing something. What have you heard about shrooms? Not much, if you're being honest. Hell, the only reason you don't like weed that much is because of the paranoia it gives you, which Dave and Sollux both told you goes away after the first few times you do it. Shrooms aren't really anything you've heard about, but then again, you're straight edged. Dave's told you so many,  _many_  times, and he'll continue to do so. You're pretty sure no one's ever  _died_  from shrooms, right? Not that you're thinking of doing them or anything!

...Okay, so you are. But only because you don't want to babysit the three of them all night, and because it does sound kind of nice not being sober. You've been so  _stressed_  for a long time, and the knowledge that you're not making good time to Washington is even more of a burden, because if you aren't on time for the wedding, it's  _your_  fault for convincing Dave to go on this trip. And that's why, slowly, you move to sit beside Dave, and reach your hand in the bag, not meeting anyone's eyes.

"Shit man, are you really gonna trip with me?" Dave asks excitedly, and you finally look at him, seeing the mischief swirling in his eyes. Nodding, you pop the offending things in your mouth- just the right amount, Gamzee says- and then Gamzee crushes the bag, stuffing it in his pocket.

"It takes a bit to kick in," Karkat informs you as he leans back on his hands, his legs coming to rest in Gamzee's lap.

You're sitting for a while, how long, you aren't sure- but Dave is playing with your hands when you first feel something. You look up at Dave in alarm, but he's looking up at the sky with an oddly thoughtful expression on his face, so you look at Gamzee and Karkat. Gamzee grins at you, but Karkat is looking at the ground, same expression on his face as Dave.

"You feeling something, my man?" Gamzee asks you, but nope, nuh-uh, you aren't saying anything. Not this time. When you did weed with Dave, Sollux, and Gamzee that first time, they spent a good ten minutes asking you to voice how you felt, and then laughing at all the stupid babble oozing from your mouth. So you're gonna be quiet this time, and observe everyone else.

Yup, that's a great master plan.

But your skin is kind of prickly, and you want to ask if that's normal. Not to mention everything is starting to feel...heavy. Yeah, heavy is a good word. The weight of the air itself seems to be pushing you down. You hunch over, thinking it might help, and it kind of does! Fuck yes, you are on this. You are way on this "tripping" thing. Dave is still playing with your hands, but you don't think he even notices he's doing it.

"Dude," Dave says suddenly, making you jump because it takes you a moment to remember people are capable of talking. "I'm feeling it."

"Same," Karkat agrees, fisting some grass in his hand. "This shit's strong, Gamzee."

"Do I ever have anything less than strong?" Gamzee asks rhetorically.

"You okay over there, Egbert?" Karkat asks you, but you're still not speaking, so you shrug. Dave grins at you. "Can you not talk?"

You flip him off and lean on Dave, who wraps a lanky arm around you.

"Shit, you guys," Karkat says after a few minutes of silence. "What if we never make it to Washington? Like, what if this guy never shows up and we die here?"

"We won't die after one night," Dave says. "Besides, do you even  _want_  to go to Washington?"

"No," Karkat says. "I fucking don't. But like always, I'm stuck doing what that asshole wants me to do. He's laughing somewhere down in Hell right now, I bet. I hope he's getting raped by a pitchfork."

Gamzee laughs loudly,  _too loudly_ , what if he attracts wild animals? Do bears live here? Wolves? Shit, you didn't think this through. "Calm down, bro. Everything's gonna be just fine."

"Yeah, probably. Is it weird that I'm glad we aren't gonna be there for a while longer than we thought? One less night we gotta spend there. Fuck all them, seriously."

"Is your mom old?" Dave asks suddenly.

"What?" Karkat responds, clearly taken aback by the question.

"I mean like, is she older than fifties?"

"She's like forty something. Why?"

"Damn," Dave sighs. "You ever notice how all old people have the same voice? Like, they all sound like they just gargled with rocks or something, and all their voices are deeper than they should be. Even the old women. It's like all old people share one soul or some shit."

"Oh my god," you say, but quickly cover your mouth before more words can come out. Yes, that does make sense, you want to say- but you forgot how to words, so you'll be quiet.

"Strider, shut the fuck up, you're embarrassing yourself," Karkat says.

"No dude, I'm being serious! They all share one soul. They have to, I mean, why else would they sound like that?"

"Because they're old and their voices are dying?"

"What would their collective name be?" Dave asks, clearly not listening to Karkat. "If they all shared one soul, what would their name be? What's a good old person name?"

"Man, look at that motherfuckin' sky," Gamzee says. "You ever think we might get sucked in?"

"Jesus- you assholes are both horrible at maintaining any composure. Why do I continue to get fucked up with you, is the million dollar question."

"It's a legitimate question! Space is fuckin' everywhere, bro! That's what it looks like through the whole universe, but all we can see is what's close to us...it's  _infinite_. You ever stop to ponder how big that is? It's fuckin'  _forever_ , man. Goddamn," Gamzee finishes, wrapping his arms around his knees. "This is bigger than me. This is higher than me. I fuckin'  _can't_  right now, man."

"No one is higher than you right now, Gamzee," Karkat assures him.

"Carl," Dave says suddenly, giving you a look like he's just figured out the meaning of life. "The collective old person name is Carl."

"Except for Dave, apparently," Karkat sighs.

"You ever think you won't get to live long enough to join the Carls?" Dave asks.

"I probably won't," Karkat says seriously. "I'll end up having a heart attack or some shit from being too mad all the time."

"Don't say that," you say, and bite your tongue before you can say more stupid things. Karkat looks imploringly at you.

"Don't say what?"

"That you'll die! We have to get old together, man. You, me, Dave, Gamzee- we all gotta get old and decrepit together so we can live in the same nursing home and get in wheelchair races and stuff! You can't just  _die_ , you selfish shit!"

Dave laughs next to you, his arm around your shoulder shaking your whole body with his, and you flush because you just can't stop talking now, and they're all going to make fun of you later, but they're saying some pretty stupid things too.

"Nah, we're gonna live forever, my motherfuckin' bro-meins," Gamzee says. "When you die you just turn into stardust and shit. So we'll live on in space."

"Yeah, we'll all have a reunion on Jupiter," Karkat says, but you can't tell if he's being sarcastic or not. "And then we'll vote Gamzee off the planet for being an incompetent douchebag."

"Ain't no rules in space, Karbro," Gamzee argues. "Space rules is that there is no rules."

Karkat stares at him, a very serious look on his face. "Has anyone ever told you that you have an extremely punchable face, Gamzee?"

"It's came up a few times, yeah," Gamzee grins at you.

This was a good idea, you think. Yes, everything is going well. You're a little confused as to why you're sitting outside though. No wait, it's because the car broke down, that's right. You're just really forgetful sometimes, you think. Plus everything is kind of fuzzy in general at the moment. Grinning to yourself, you close your eyes, and to your surprise, you can see traces of colors swirling behind your eyelids. Whoa- what the fuck? Why is that happening? Is this normal? What if you die from this and the coroner tell your dad the reason you died was from doing drugs?

"My dad would be so disappointed."

"Huh?" Dave asks.

Shit. You said that out loud.

"Nothing!" you say hurriedly, moving out from under his arm to flop into the grass. The stars are more vibrant than usual, seemingly closer than you're used to. They're moving a little, too. Almost like they're hanging from strings and they're swirling with the wind. You really, really love the wind.

"You ever feel like you're one with the wind?" you ask. "Sometimes it's like the wind mimics my mood. Like, what if I get pissed off or something and a tornado comes and blows us all away?"

"Then I'd say we better all be glad Karkat isn't in control of the wind," Dave sniggers, not bothering to dodge Karkat's fist when it zooms toward his thigh.

"But you don't feel that way about the wind?" you ask.

"No. But sometimes- have you ever gotten the feel that you've been here before?" Karkat asks you.

"It's called deja vu, Karbro," Gamzee offers.

"Not like that, you fucking dildo. No, that you've...been alive before."

"Reincarnation!" you exclaim, and then you wilt while covering your mouth. Bad John. The bears will hear you.

"Yeah, that," Karkat whispers, moving in closer. "I think I've been reincarnated."

"It could just be because time isn't linear," Dave says. "It loops around over and over again, and if you could figure out how to use that to your advantage, you could change things. Shit, man, this is so cool, I've never thought about this before."

"My life is the equivalent of a Fruit by the Foot roll," Karkat muses. "Sounds about right."

"But if time isn't linear, are we aging backwards?" you ask quietly, grabbing Dave's arm. "Are we gonna be babies next year? Holy fuck- I hate babies. No, this can't happen."

"Nah, man. We're gonna be Carls. Karkat's aging backwards though. See how short he's getting?"

Gamzee observes Karkat like this is really something everyone should be concerned about, but Karkat is looking down the street, eyes focused. Lifting your head from the ground, you turn to observe what he's looking at: headlights. A car's coming.

"Is that the tow guy?" Karkat asks.

"I hope so," Dave says. "My ass is cold."

"Should we make noise or something?" Gamzee asks.

"We're not stranded on an island, you dumb fuck. He knows where we are, I  _called_  him."

"What if he forgot? What if his past self came and told him something else to do and he forgot since time isn't linear- motherfuck, I need to lie down."

The headlights move closer until they're pulling toward the shoulder where all of you are sitting, practically on top of each other. The driver's side door opens, and an older man with a bushy mustache pokes his head out.

"You boys okay?" he asks. Dave sits up straight next to you, eyes wide.

"He's a  _Carl_ ," he says, awestruck. Karkat kicks him.

"Yes, sir," Karkat says, his voice a haughty tone you've never heard him use before. "We would very much like a lift to the nearest hotel, please."

"You sound different from the guy that called me," the Carl says. "Hop in the cab with me, and I'll hook your car up."

"That would be lovely," Karkat says as he bites his lip, trying not to crack up from forcing such a serious expression on his face. Gamzee is looking at the tow truck like he's never seen anything quite like it, Dave has his sunglasses pulled down again, but is looking like he wants to ask the old guy a zillion questions, and you- well, you just realized your mouth is wide open for no reason. Bad John. Stop that.

Bugs will fly in.

As soon as you help pull Gamzee to his feet, the Carl is pulling the truck closer, and then he leans over to shove the passenger door open for the four of you. It'll be a tight fit, but you should manage. Good thing you're all pretty scrawny, you think. No sooner are you inside, the Carl is driving in front of Karkat's car, and then he exits to do something- something loud and involving chains.

"My poor baby," Karkat whispers to his car, but his car probably can't hear him. Not if he's whispering.

"It'll be fine," Dave says. "They'll fix her up bright and early, and then we can be on our merry way."

As soon as the car is safely on the back of the tow truck, the Carl is back inside the truck, eyeing the four of you suspiciously.

"You boys from around here?" he asks.

"We're from Hollywood," you tell him. "But I'm really from Washington, and Dave here-" you point to Dave- "is from Texas. And-"

"What he means is no, we're not from here," Karkat says in his fake plastic voice. You frown at him.

"Nah, son, it's fine," the Carl says. "So you're Dave," he nods toward the blond. "And you must be Karkat since you called me. So what's your names?" he motions to you and Gamzee.

Shit. What  _is_  your name?

"That's John," Dave says for you. "And the stupid looking one is Gamzee." You wonder why Gamzee didn't respond for himself, but then you notice he's sticking his head out the window, so you don't voice the question.

"Hah, good to meet you. My name's Carl," the Carl says.

Dave makes a strangled noise next to you, and you make sure to keep an eye on his hands, lest he molest the poor guy's face.

The ride is (thankfully) short, and you find yourselves outside a small motel.

"You guys can jump up back to get your bags," the Carl says. "I'll take the car to  _Barry's Auto Shop_  down the street, you can't miss it. And they open at seven, so call around eight or so to check on her."

Karkat thanks him and pushes Gamzee out of the truck, then the two of them roam behind the truck. You try to join them, but Dave won't move, is busy staring at the old guy.

"Uh. You okay, there?" the Carl asks.

"I just- I have a spiritual connection with you," Dave says seriously. "You're a  _Carl_. You're  _the_  Carl. Shit, this is just.  _Fuck_."

"Daaaave," you whine, pushing him toward the door. You manage to get him out of the truck, but not before Dave can reach forward and pet the poor Carl's mustache. Luckily, Gamzee and Karkat have already grabbed your bags and are waiting for you, because the Carl gives you all a look, and then hurriedly drives away.

"I LOVE YOU!" Dave calls after him, and Karkat punches him in the side.

"You pompous tool, are you  _trying_  to get us locked up? All you did that entire car ride was drool at that poor old man. He's probably scared for his life."

"Can we just go in?" you ask, looking around. "I'm tired. And I keep thinking there are bears here, but there aren't. Are there?"

Rolling his eyes at you, Karkat goes inside the motel, followed by Gamzee. You hang outside with Dave, grabbing his hand and smiling up at him. He leans down to brush his lips against your ear.

"Better not be  _too_  tired," he says, and your heart speeds up.

"I'm not," you say, leaning into him, and he grunts.

You both look up when the door opens.

"Alright, fuck for brains," Karkat says. "We're in 102 and 104, because I'm  _not_  sharing a room with you assholes." Dave grabs the key from him and drags you toward your room. "And remember we're getting up early!" Karkat calls scathingly. Dave just flips him off.

You stand awkwardly while Dave fumbles with the lock, idly thinking about how you'd like the room to not be nasty. What if there are bugs? You really hate bugs. But then the door clicks, and you hurry inside, forgetting to check for bugs.

You don't even get to look around, because as soon as you're both inside, Dave is pinning you to the nearest wall, body pressed snugly to your back.

"D-Dave," you mumble. "Already?"

To answer, he grinds his hips into your ass, and somehow he's already hard, already breathing harshly into your ear.

"You have three seconds to get naked," he tells you formidably. "This is serious business."

"O-Okay," you breathe, already fumbling with your pants when he pulls away from you. You're stepping out of them, trying to kick them across the floor when you hear zippers undoing, and you curiously turn to see Dave pulling some lube from his bag. When the hell did he pack that? He grins at you and stands up straight, moving toward you to help pull your shirt over your head. You open your mouth to ask him a question, but his tongue prohibits you, already snaking into your mouth, down your throat. Groaning, you melt into him, letting him do as he pleases.

Directing you toward the bed, he holds your hip with one hand, his other snapping his fly open with practiced precision. You work on removing his shirt, not thinking of anything except seeing his chest, and you're just managing to get it off his head when your back meets the comfort of the bed. Before you arch off it, that is.

Dave hisses when you press your growing need against his, your hips rotating to show what you'd like him to do. His body sinks onto yours, his tongue lapping at yours while you grab his ass and keep his hips in place. Dave is always eager to tease you, but never lasts with it, as he's very impressionable when it comes to sex, just going along with whatever your bodies suggest.

"John, fuck," he says, fingers hooking into your boxers as he tugs them down slowly, eyes locked with yours. He grins at you and reaches up to remove your glasses before tossing them on the bedside table. You want to ask when he took his sunglasses off, but all that comes out is a shaky moan when he rocks back into you, his own boxer-briefs gone as well. Jesus, you're unobservant tonight. When did he take off his underwear?

Nothing in between you- shit, it's so good. You whine, seeking out more friction as you lock one of your legs around his waist. He's quick tonight, obviously needing this more than you thought, as he's already fumbling with the lube, squeezing a generous amount onto his fingers.

"Y-You're really eager," you grin at him. He pulls back to look you in the eye while one of his slicked fingers edges around your opening, barely pressing in. " _Shit-_ "

"Yeah, I know," Dave says smugly. "You want me so bad, you can't even stand it. Basically sucking me in here, bro."

You want to tell him to shut the hell up, but that sinful finger is pressing in now, slowly-  _tortuously_  slow- and all you can do is whimper a series of things that sound like his name and "pleasepleaseplease". Never one to keep you waiting too long, he quickly slips it all the way in, his bright eyes taking in your appearance while you accept the intrusion.

"Mm, Egbert," he groans in your ear, his lips brushing the skin. "You're so fucking hot, babe."

"Dave," you groan, thoughts jumbling as the finger inside you crooks and straightens again, all while slowly leaving and reentering your body. He's searching, that's what he's doing. Looking for that spot he knows will make you insane with want, and he never has to look too long, the fucking bastard. He knows your body better than you do by this point, and you let him take his time because you know he won't make you wait too long-  _fuck_.

" _There_  it is," Dave says, finger leaving your body only to slam back into that spot. Whining, you wrap yourself around him, unable to do anything else. The next time his finger slides in, it's joined by another, both of them bending to brush against your prostate with precise movements, and you're practically crying it feels so good.

"Dave-  _Dave_ , hurry please-" you manage, exhaling a shaky breath when he sneaks another finger in to join the other two.

"Hurry?" he asks snidely,  _slamming_  his fingers in and out, causing you to cry out. "Hurry and do  _what_?"

"Oh, you fucking- bastard-" you groan, locking your legs around him, moving your body with his to seek out some more friction. But he takes mercy on you, he always does, and he pulls his fingers out, hands leaving your body to slick himself up. Greedily, you pull his face to yours, licking inside his mouth till he yields to you, sucking his air into your lungs. You want him everywhere, all over you, anywhere, you don't care. As long as he's  _there_.

You feel him pressing against your entrance again, so you lean back to look into his eyes, nodding so he'll keep going. Not looking away from you, he slowly sinks his arousal into your body- he's always so careful during this part, nothing compared to the primal slamming that you know is coming. You gasp when he sheathes himself, his balls pressing to your skin, and everything in your mind turns to static as you give him the shaky go ahead.

It's faster then, his pace building until he's going as hard and fast as he can, bed creaking and groaning under you as your cries grow louder, a mixture of praise, babble, pleads, and Dave, Dave, _Dave._ He doesn't sound much better, is calling you beautiful, amazing. His sex talk varies in its intensity, always swapping from dirty talk to praising you, and back again. It's one of his quirks you appreciate, because no matter what awful names he calls you during sex- his idea of dirty talk- he always ends up saying such sweet, worshipful things in the end. It's how you know he's close.

And sure enough, he is close, and for that matter, so are  _you_. Your eyes scrunched tight, the colors are back behind your eyelids, fluttering around and dancing all over your vision. You end up sobbing some form of Dave's name when the colors finally  _explode_ , some of them shades you didn't even know  _existed_. Your release splatters on yours and Dave's stomachs, your body going limp under his as he still seeks his own orgasm, still moving inside of you. You're overstimulated to the point it's starting to hurt a little, but then his body is locking, his cock twitching inside of you as he comes inside, his mouth at your ear.

"Shit, John, shitshit _shit_ ," he whimpers. "I love you so fucking much."

"You too, love you too," you breathe, helping him ride through his release. He falls against you, limp and panting. You pet through his sweaty yellow hair, curling a few of the strands with your fingers.

You're content to fall asleep that way, mess and all, but then Dave starts giggling against your shoulder.

"Do you think I can still fuck you like that when we join the Carls?" he asks, and you smack his shoulders.

"Carry me to the bathroom, asshole. You're washing my hair for me, too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [expand your playlii2t.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PilVAqMMSnc)
> 
>  
> 
> Fun fact: The Carls thing came from me. We had a large group of elderly people check into the hotel I work at this weekend, and I said they all shared the same soul, because they all sounded the same. CARLS 5EVA.


	8. I'll be Alright

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Can you remember ever having any fun? Cause when it's all said and done I always believed we were. but now I'm not so sure, oh oh oh oh oh oh! I drink a gin and take a couple of my pills, and my parade will give you chills! Oh honey don't give me up, oh oh oh oh, I know we've had enough!"- ["I'll be alright"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Bmg3h7RSM4) by Passion Pit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait! Excuse the heavy dialogue this chapter, I'm getting back into the swing of things!

You wake up face down in a pillow, drool crusting around your mouth. You whine and try to roll over but something—better yet  _someone—_ is holding you tightly. You blindly try to swat behind you and make him get the hint, but as always, he's tragically still an asshole who doesn't appreciate how much you like sleeping in.

You're Dave Strider, and your stupid husband-to-be is really asking for it.

"Daaaave," John says gently, nosing into your neck again. You grunt in reply and he laughs softly before continuing. "We have to go! Karkat and Gamzee just took a cab to the auto shop and they'll be back soon."

Oh yeah. You totally forgot about the whole road trip thing. For a blissful second, you were back home in your own bed. You lift your head to stare at him, but it's kind of hard since you can't stop squinting from the brightness.

"Shades?" you rasp, closing your eyes tightly. A moment later they're on your face and you try again to glare at John, who, as always, is unaffected. You wonder why the universe even felt the need to create early birds. Probably to make you mad.

"Your bag is already packed," he tells you sweetly. "And I picked out your clothes for you. Also, I got you some coffee from the gas station right down the street. And a donut."

Alright, scratch everything you just said. John is a god and you love him. You grunt again and pry your arm out from under you to tug him back against you. He laughs and comes willingly, snuggling into you as he kisses your nose.

"It's too early to be alive," you say irritably. "Fuck everything before noon. And fuck this trip. Let's just stay here and sleep until the motel people barge in here to make sure we're not dead."

"We can't do that and you know it! You can sleep in the car. I might even let you use me as a pillow if you're nice," John smiles.

"You'll let me use you as a pillow regardless because I'll pitch a fit if you don't."

"Oh, god. No fits. You look like a granddaddy longleg spider when you fling your scrawny arms around."

"Fuck you, if anything I'm a tarantula."

"No, you're a granddaddy longleg. You don't do anything and if someone pulled your leg off it would still twitch around uselessly."

You groan and roll away from him, sighing when he clings to you.

"I want a divorce," you grumble.

"We're not even married yet," he reminds you.

"Then marry me now so I can divorce you. One of the roaches that infest this shitty motel can read our vows."

"That's just silly, Dave. You know roaches can't read."

God, you love him.

"Let's write a strong letter to the school board. No more illiterate roaches 2k15," you say.

"Hmmm. But then they might unionize and take over the world. There's way more roaches than people."

"You know what me and roaches have in common? We're both smart and nocturnal," you huff. "So I'll be just fine if they take over. Morning people like you can just die off one by one."

"You're so sweet. I am constantly reminded why I'm marrying you. And your coffee is getting cold, shitlord. Want me to bring it to you?"

"Yes. What kind of donut did you get me?"

"Apple fritter."

_God_ , you love him.

He gets off the bed and walks out of your line of sight, presumably to get your coffee and donut. Sure enough, less than a moment later he's back beside you. Greedily, you nuzzle into him and reach for your coffee, careful to maneuver it so it doesn't spill and give you third degree burns all over your beautiful face. You look up at him expectantly.

"Feed meeeeee," you whine.

"Dave, really?" he frowns. "You have hands!"

"One of them is holding my coffee and the other one is warm under the covers. Feed meeeeee."

"Ugh, you're so fucking dramatic."

"If you love me, you'll feed me."

He makes a face and unwraps your fritter, holding it in front of you. You lean forward and take a generous bite, making a pleased noise from the taste.

"Mmm, that tastes like Jesus," you hum. He rolls his eyes at you.

"Don't talk with your mouth full," he reprimands.

" _Don't talk with your mouth full_ ," you mimic, still talking with your mouth full.

"Feed yourself, asshole!" he says, though he makes no effort to stop holding your donut for you.

"It tastes better when you hold it for me," you inform him. "Your Egbert taste is contagious."

"That sounds disgusting," he frowns.

"Nah, you're gourmet babe."

He grins and steals a bite of your donut. You make an indignant noise and snatch it from him, cradling it like a precious commodity.

"Oh, look. You  _can_  hold it yourself," he mocks through his bite of pilfered apple fritter.

"Don't talk with you mouth full!" you hiss.

After inhaling your donut and drinking your coffee, you try to burrow back under the blankets but John isn't having it. He pokes you in that special spot in your ribs that makes you flail around aimlessly, only trying to get away from him. You topple into the floor, and you make it a point to pull your shades down so he gets the full extent of your glare, not that it matters because he always gets a less intense version of it than everyone else. The bastard smiles at you and rolls off the bed on top of you, giggling as he kisses you.

"You taste like sugar," he says.

"You taste like asshole. And not the good kind," you grunt, trying to deepen the kiss. He swats you.

"Go brush your teeth and get ready! You're gonna make Karkat blow a gasket!"

"He was born with a fuckin' gasket blown, Jesus, we all know that," you sigh, moving from under him to go to the bathroom. You think a lot about the fact that a good chunk of your day is spent trying to make yourself "presentable". How much easier would life be if you could walk around in your boxers with your hair in its natural state? Man, you'd save at least twenty minutes a day. You could crank out three new comics in that time.

You're running your hands through your hair when you feel a pair of arms behind you, wrapping around your waist. John grins at you in the mirror and nuzzles into the back of your shoulder.

"God, you're cute," you say. "Sometimes I forget you're cute 'cause you're the epitome of evil wrapped in a pair of dorky glasses and stupid T-shirts. Seriously, babe, who the fuck walks around in a 'Las Vegas' shirt when they've never even seen Las Vegas?"

"I've seen it," he says. "Sometimes it's on T.V."

"You're the reason bald people lose their hair."

"You're the reason I think chicken legs are attractive."

"Okay," you huff, turning to face him, "I do  _not_  have chicken legs. I grew out of the fuckin' chicken leg stage."

"Oh please, Dave, I see them all the time in their scrawny lanky glory. You are literally like a stretched out Chicken Little. Or Big Bird."

"I honestly hope one day when I leave you from all this abuse you go to KFC and cry big tears when you see a bucket of chicken legs. I hope it hurts you."

"It so will. I'll think of you every time I bite into a drumstick."

"That's all I want out of life."

He laughs, pulling you into another kiss, and this time he lets you deepen it. You lean against the counter and pull him close to you, your hands moving down to his ass. You enjoy the little squeak he makes as he attempts to practically climb you in his effort to get closer.

"Dave," he whispers, and you groan as you pull his hips to yours.

"We have time?" you breathe, rocking against him again. His eyelids flutter and he gasps softly.

"I...I don't know...maybe?" he pulls your mouth to his, whining into yours as your pace increases.

You're just about to unzip his jeans when someone literally bursts through the door, moving in a warpath toward the dingy motel bathroom the two of you are in.

"Put your fucking clothes on and come on, we've got a lot of road to cover and no time to cover it in." Karkat barges into the bathroom and glares at the two of you as if daring you to complain. As always, you're quick to answer his call.

"Go fuck yourself, you knee high dipshit, can't you see some of us are tryin' to put the moves on hot little John?"

"How about I shove my foot so far up your nonexistent ass that you turn into one of those puppets you hate so much? Hurry the fuck up, chicken legs, you're the only one not dressed."

"I do  _not_  have chicken legs!" you shout after him as he leaves the room. John sighs as he wilts into your chest, kissing over your heart.

"Guess we didn't have the time after all," he says.

"There's always time. It's just that Karkat is a cockblocking fuckstick."

"Be nice!" he reminds you, going to fetch your clothes he picked out for you. He watches you pull them on with a frown. "Really though, Dave, you do look skinnier."

"I swear to god if this is a scrawny joke—"

"It's not. You really look too skinny." He gives you a stern look. "You've been working too hard!"

"Oh, look who's talking! Both of us have been living off canned food for like, a year. You're lookin' pretty tiny yourself, Mr. Stays-Up-All-Night-Studying-Till-He-Passes-Out."

He points his finger at you. "When we get home, I'm teaching you how to cook. This is unacceptable. You're about to be a famous director and your cooking ability amounts to you heating up Chef Boyardee in the microwave!"

For a moment, all you can do is stare wordlessly at him.

"Don't you  _ever_  badmouth the Chef in my presence," you say, shocked at John's complete disregard of the perfection that is Chef Boyardee. He rolls his eyes at you.

"You're learning to cook and that's final."

"Fine, whatever, but I'm havin' the Chef when I feel like it. That's my right as a grown man."

"My right as a grown man is to slap you. You're ridiculous!"

"Slap me then, Egbert. I'm being persecuted for my love of Chef Boyardee. I'll go down as a martyr. My cheek will be the holy ground where this slap takes place and will be written in history as sanctioned land where one lone man decided his love for junk food took place over his own well-being. They'll write books about me."

He groans at you and leaves the room, dragging both of your bags with him, and you stand at the mirror, wondering if your cowlick will go down if you put water on it. It doesn't. If anything the water just makes it angry.

You walk out to the car, Karkat and Gamzee shoving their bags in the trunk before they turn to observe you.

"You look like you didn't even sleep," Karkat says, slamming the trunk.

"Gotta get that REM cycle, bro," Gamzee says. "Be needin' them Z's once you're behind the wheel."

"Yeah, I think we can all agree I won't be driving till I nap," you grumble. "Blame John, he kept me up."

"I did  _not_!" John squawks indignantly, poking his head out of the door to the motel office. He comes out to stand beside you and pokes you in the chest. "You were the one who was all ' _no John we have time'_."

"I don't sound like that," you say, waving him off. "And it  _was_  your fault because your ass was enticing me."

"Jesus, get in the fucking car," Karkat hisses. He climbs in the driver seat and you're actually more than willing to sit in the back with John and nap this early demon morning away. The sun is actually so bright and cheerful that it sickens you. It's mocking you. Stupid glowing fire sphere.

"So what was wrong with the car?" John asks as he moves to sit beside you.

"Basically something with my battery terminals corroding through and draining my starter. I don't know, the guy talked like an ostrich and I tried not to listen." Karkat puts on some soul crunching music and you groan loudly.

"You're gonna make the car kill itself with this music," you say, and John pinches your thigh.

"I'm going to kill  _you_  if you don't stop the infernal rambling you tend to do when you think we care what you have to say."

You lean against John and close your eyes, trying to block out the sound of Nicki Minaj. Next thing you know, you're being jostled by John, who's giving you a sweet smile.

"Wake up, Sleepy Beauty!" he says quietly. "We're getting lunch, do you want anything?"

You stretch and sit up, noticing you're in a Burger King drive thru. Your stomach growls accordingly at the prospect of food.

"God, just get me twenty Whoppers," you moan.

"How about one Whopper," John says.

"With fries. I demand fries. And a Coke."

"Water is healthier," John says.

"Water is for mermaids. I'm getting a fucking Coke."

Karkat turns to look at you. "Just let him clog every artery he has so we can be without his stifling presence sooner, Egbert."

You kick his seat and he tries to lunge at you.

" _Uh...so a Whopper combo?"_ the scratchy voice of the drive thru speaker asks.

"With a Coke!" you yell, and John swats you as you move over him to the window.

As the car pulls forward you turn to him. "So what'd you get?"

"A salad," he frowns accusingly.

"Weak," you say, leaning back against your seat. "If I'm eating fast food I'm eating the  _right_  kind of fast food."

"The stuff that kills you tastes the best," Gamzee nods sagely, pulling around the building. "Be getting my motherfuckin' grub on with that murderous deliciousness."

"God, as long as you don't drink Faygo every ten minutes, I'm happy for you," Karkat says. "If you have  _any_  teeth left in the next ten years, it'll be a goddamn miracle."

"I'll have all my teeth, bro. Wicked elixir doesn't rot your bones, it makes 'em stronger."

"Explain that to me, please. Explain to me how bottled sugar is going to make your teeth stronger. I want an essay."

"I can't explain it any more than I can explain the sunrise, best friend. Some things just happen, you feel? It's what makes the world a beautiful place."

"Sunrises have  _been_  explained since the end of the fucking dark ages, you sphincter sucking anal belch," Karkat huffs, handing him his debit card. "You fuckers can pay me back in cash. Now, in case you were wondering."

You watch as John reaches into your pocket and grabs  _your_  wallet. You grumble and lift your hips for him so he can grab it easier.

"Gold digger," you comment.

"Oh, don't even. You know I don't carry cash," he says.

The guy hands Gamzee your big bag of food, and you're feeling particularly ravenous by the time you receive your burger. Once you get the damn thing unwrapped you eat almost half of it in one bite, and John is looking at you as if he'd like nothing more than to throw you outside of the car.

"Cool it, Dr. Eggbuns," you tell him. "Once we're home you can put me on a diet of your healthy rabbit food. For now, I'm all about this burger. You better be glad burgers don't last long in my presence or I'd be marrying it instead of you."

"I would love to see you marry food. You'd never be able to pick just one to marry, you know. You're too much of a food whore." John bites daintily into his salad. "I'm just saying."

"Food loves me right," you agree.

"And yet your ass looks like you haven't eaten since 1942," Karkat mutters from the front seat.

"His ass is just the right size!" John defends before you can comment. "Perfect hand size."

"Yeah, for your lady piano hands," Karkat says.

"Better than your grubby little hands," you say.

Finally, after an hour, you move up to the passenger seat while John drives. You roll the window down and stick your head out, letting the wind blow your hair everywhere. It's way better than staying inside of the crammed up little car full of assholes. And it's not like your hair will suffer any consequences, since you don't have John's rat nest of hair to worry about. And now that you're up here, you're playing  _good_  music. Goddamn, life is grand right now.

"What the fuck is this?" Karkat asks after a few minutes.

"Dude, how did you live all these years and not know who [Rage Against the Machine](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3L4YrGaR8E4) is?" you scoff. "Too buried in your pop, I guess."

"Suck my dick, Strider, I've been listening to  _music_ , not some angry man yelling at me."

"Because you like being the one yelling and get pissy when someone else tries to do it."

He kicks your seat, but you're distracted by a message. You pick up your phone and you're instantly relieved when you see it's only Jade and not every other jerk in your phone messaging you about wedding plans.

\--gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 14:16--

GG: hey dave!!!!! :D

TG: sup

GG: how goes the road trip? are you bonding?????

TG: no were pretty much doing the opposite of bonding but hey if it makes you happy to think of all of us hugging it out then be my guest

GG: i cant really imagine karkat hugging anyone...do you think he hugs sollux?

TG: i think they do way more than hug harley get with the times here 

TG: but then again i imagine karkat to be kind of a spideresque creature and he probably kills after mating so since sollux is alive lets assume they havent done anything aside from awkwardly staring at each other

GG: but sollux is sick! it could be a part of karkats master plan!

TG: oh shit youre right 

TG: well damn say goodbye to sollux

GG: are you guys at karkats parents house yet

TG: nah we had car trouble so now were like 12 hours behind

GG: dave! D: what if you dont make it back in time for the wedding! rose will KILL you!!!!

TG: she wont kill me because were gonna make it in time okay just chill

GG: if you say so...i tried messaging john but he didnt answer

TG: hes driving and hes like a one man parade of road safety 

TG: and heart health apparently

GG: oh good! okay ill pester him later about my wedding concerns because no offense dave but youre useless at this stuff!

TG: no offense taken its my aim to be as useless as is humanly possible

\--gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 14:21--

"Was that Jade?" John asks you as soon as you're putting your phone back in your pocket. "She's been trying to pester me but I can't answer."

"Yeah, she was bothering me," you say. "It's all anyone ever does."

"Oh, poor baby," John coos. "Your life is so hard."

"She was wondering if we'd make it in time for the wedding."

John fidgets in his seat and looks pointedly at the road.

"Well...we  _should_ ," he mumbles. "I hope so."

"I'm sure it'll be fine. If we don't we can like...reschedule."

"We can't do that! We've rented that place and everyone took time out of their lives to come all the way here and Dad took off work and then you've got the media—" John's gripping the wheel so hard his knuckles are white. You reach over and pry his hand off the wheel to wrap it in yours.

"Hey, shhhhh, calm down. It's  _our_  wedding. We can do whatever the fuck we want, okay?" You squeeze his hand. "It's alright."

He bites his lip and looks at you. "Do you mean that?" he asks softly.

"I don't give a fuck about anyone but you. You should know that by now. I mean, yeah I love Jade and Rose too, and I guess I'm contractually obligated to love Dirk in the way one loves a parasite they can't get rid of, but you're the only one who's mine. So just chill, it'll all work out."

He nods and gives you a small smile. He starts to say something else, but then Gamzee snores loudly from the backseat and interrupts your little moment.

At the next gas station, John pulls over and you climb over into the driver's seat while he roams around to the passenger side. Both Karkat and Gamzee are asleep now, and John curls up like he's tired too. You turn your music down and enjoy the peace for a while as the sun starts to go down. Unfortunately, Karkat wakes up soon after.

"Fuck," he mumbles from the back, stretching until his joints pop. "We're almost there."

"How the fuck can you tell? It's just a shit ton of trees," you reply.

"Because my stomach is trying to eat itself, that's how. It's the feeling of home, I guess."

"Huh. Do you like, want me to stop somewhere and get us some more food? It'll buy you some time, at least."

"No, just keep going. The sooner we get there, the sooner we can get this over with." He sighs and crosses his arms over his chest.

You shift uncomfortably in your seat and wish John would wake up. He's the one who's good at this shit, not you.

"I don't really like, get it," you say after a minute. "I don't really have family, aside from Dirk, and you've seen how well we get along. But I feel how shitty this has to be. At least you're dealing with it instead of running away, though."

"Yeah," he says, looking anywhere but at you. "And you suck at this, by the way."

"Fuck you."

You follow his directions until you pull outside of a yellow two story house with a chimney and three cars parked out front. You put the car in park and reach over to shake John awake. He snorts and blinks blearily up at you.

"We there?" he mutters, rubbing his eyes.

"Yeah," Karkat answers for you, opening his door. "Let's get this over with."


End file.
